How many times has someone told you that what you are doing does not fit with what is acceptable or what looks right? This can come as a response to a way we live, what we do, or even what we do not do. This can be something such as a lifestyle or sexuality, deciding to not have kids or to not participate in religion. It can even be when friends want to go out and party and you stay in. There are many situations in which people tend to show disappointment in order to sway the decision of another. This is a form of manipulation and disrespect to the individual's freedom of choice.
Another element here is when people around you get used to something you do, and when you no longer can or decide not to do it anymore, they feel betrayed and abandoned; because whatever you were giving before was accepted as a right to them and a requirement for you to perform the task.
In my case, I am a giver. I am a teacher of adults and people come to me for advice, help, and favors. Last year I was teaching full time as a job for a public school and then volunteering three evenings a week to teach for Catholic Charities. The volunteer position is often the most fun, because the students who come really love to learn, as they come to class after working all day. They leave their families to come to class. I took a month off to travel and the students had different teachers. Then I decided not to return next semester, for a personal reason of trying to learn to say no and to give less, until I know how to control my giving spirit and resolve my own issues before others. I did not worry for my adult students because many of them are teachers themselves and can help guide any volunteer who is teaching them English, to make the classes just as fun as I made them.
When I told a friend of mine and student in the class that I would not return she said that I should not abandon the class and that there is a list of students waiting to return just for me. She told me not to act like a bitch. I also left my job on the West Bank because the program administration has gone down the drain, and since I am also the favorite ESL and Math teacher there as well the students were sad. But I was unable to tell them why I was leaving and others made excuses for me. In both of these cases the expectation is that I continue to drive those distances from my home to give of myself in something that is actually draining me.
The thing is, I believe we should all live in the moment and celebrate each other's changes. Not many people stay in one place for all their life and if they do they likely will not do the same work the entire time. Take what someone gives you as a contribution to your life, your thinking and who you are, but do not use that person for your own comfort. Let them be free, and I challenge you, next time a friend says they will move to another state, or stop doing a specific activity you are accustomed to, be delighted for them and seek to understand what that person will gain from the change.
