Stigma. A word I interpret as generalizing the wrong idea. Mix that with mental health and people will start to get the wrong idea about mental health. People who have a mental illness just have brains that function differently than a normal average person. They are not weak nor are seeking attention. They are just fighting for their life; a life that they wish to live without fear.
But, to combat these stigmas, people start to share their stories of why they are so caught up in mental health and why people should care. Hence, why I am going to share my story…well more like write the beginning as I already made a part one and this is just the beginning. The beginning of discovering how much I did not know about myself.
Anyways, Hi, I am Mat and I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD for short). I was diagnosed at a young age but I did not know what it was called. I just remembered me getting out of school early to go to therapy and just sitting in a chair while my mom just started to talk about me and stuff. I am going to fast forward this story cause my childhood years are not that interesting so I am going to skip to my college years, OK? OK!
So starting college is tough for anybody, but for me it was almost a nightmare. I mean going to school across the state is awesome and all except for me I had a big storm coming (use of meme check!). I started to notice something off about my feelings. I would avoid going certain directions. I would start to get this feeling like the walls were closing in on me and felt pressure on my chest. I would return to my dorm room and randomly start crying my eyes out and or collapse on the floor with no energy to get back up but keep getting these thoughts of that I am worthless and stuff. If I was living alone it would not be a problem, but I had a roommate at the time (aka Blake, you know that guy I keep writing about in the majority of my articles…yeah him). In the back of my mind I was scared for him to think I was crazy and wanted to change roommates because he did not want to deal with me and my problems or fear for his safety as I tend to do these without my control. I actually asked him recently about the first time he witnessed my mental health:
Me: Hey Blake can you help me with a part of my next odyssey article: if so, answer to the best of your ability (cause I don't remember if I actually told you directly) what was your reaction when you found out I have a mental illness and started having breakdowns and stuff.
Blake: Umm to be honest I don't remember if I found out from you telling me or if I realized it when you had a breakdown one day. It was a while ago I don't remember everything but I remember feeling really bad and thinking I can't imagine how tough that is for you cause I knew how hard it was to try to go to school so far from home where you didn't know anybody. I vaguely remember feeling helpless and wishing there was more I could do to help at the time cause I didn't know what to say since we weren't as close then as we are now.
I honestly could not believe that I actually had someone who care for me (which is why I gathered up the courage to tell my parents that illness they thought was gone has come back and I went to therapy again, this time I am doing the talking because I want to change for the better).. Usually people would turn their heads and pretend I did not exist but for Blake, he saw me as a person not my illness. But I know that for some people they do not have that luxury. That is why I am here to say: You are not alone, trust me it may seem like that but stay strong. I believe in you.
And now for the information about where to find help:
211 for a counselor
Text “Start” to 741741 for the crisis hotline ( I use it from time to time)
Go to 7cups.com to talk to a listener (@RewindTheClock if you want to talk to me ;) #ShamelessPromo)
For absolute emergencies dial 911
For College I highly encourage to visit your school’s health center and or talk to your RA (because sometimes they might actually be there for you).
