Before you read this and find me on the day this article goes public to see what a wreck I am, know that this article was written last Monday on Sept. 12 and because Odyssey writers write once a week, I published it the following week. Breath. I'm okay.
But I do want to tell you a story of how I realized I was being lied to, daily, on a moment to moment basis and did not even realize I was in dire need to fight...for the sake of my own soul.
Tonight night I had been on Facebook in the gym (another story for another day) and scrolled across a woman's post that I was certain was in reference to myself. Whether I was right or not at this point is irrelevant because the blow was catastrophic either way. The post was screen-shotted and send to my sweet fiancé who confirmed that what was written did in fact at times align with my behavior. Talk about heart ache, his words have the ability to pierce my heart like none other and he's often unaware of it (also, not his fault and not the point). I went home only to not shower for the next couple moments, mindlessly trying to undo the hurt I was feeling that I was sure was not justifiable and in deed needed to end.
However, that method just was not working for me. So I picked myself up, went to shower and instead of shaving my legs and relaxing, I found myself sitting in the floor of a scalding hot shower crying out emotionally, physically and spiritually to God in wonder of where this hurt was coming from. In the midst of my crying, a sweet voice stirred my spirit. "You have been attacked by the enemy and wanting others to fight for what is yours: your soul and confidence that rests in me." I had been attacked? By whom? A woman speaking her heart? Surely not. She may not have even been talking to me. By my fiancé? No, he is just blunt and tired. By who Lord? Who could have been attacking me... Oh? You mean the enemy as in the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy?
God was right. For almost a month now I had walked around listening to the small lies in my head. "Pst. Your arms look atrocious in that tank top" "You are gaining weight and supposed to be getting married soon" "You like words of affirmation yet when was the last time your fiancé praised you?" "He's angry with you again, what did you do now?" "Do you actually believe this plan of yours will work?" "They aren't really listening to you" "Your words aren't eloquent enough" "Still not good enough? As if you will ever be" and the list goes on.. And unbeknownst to me, those were lies of the enemy that slowly but surely turned my confidence into coward ways and my pursuit of the Lord into a pursuit of approval from those I feared and or admired the most. What a pitiful way to walk around in an already difficult world! And here God was using the Holy Spirit to remind me that it is not Christopher's job to fight for my self-confidence or joy or self belonging.
Those are my battles to win with the help of Christ and faith in my God. In order to go into battle prepared, you must first know there is a battle to be won and I had somehow forgotten that I must daily fight for what is my privilege as a daughter of the King: my confidence in Christ alone, my ability to walk out salvation and grace, my opportunity to speak life and mercy and renounce what is not truth and my innate response to see the young lady in the mirror as someone worthy of respect and love because I was bought at a price that set the standard accordingly. Those things are things that I am responsible for battling the enemy over and allowing God to intervene and win on my behalf. They are not things that come from my fiancé nor will they ever come from him as my husband. His job is to pursue me, set the spiritual atmosphere in our home, love the Lord and speak life over me but not to be my guard dog and doctor while also trying to be my companion and leader.
It is my fight song and my victory to be won in the Lord and thankfully sitting on that white shower floor, I was reminded just how much fighting I have left to do as a single lady before I begin learning to fight for myself, my marriage, peace in my home and my future children all while spreading the Good News to others just like myself.
