This past week I watched the movie Fifty Shades of Grey for the first time with my mom. I already know what you're thinking, "didn't that come out, like, two years ago? What took her so long?" and "Okay, but why did she watch it with her mom?" Let me tell you what took me so long: I was never really enticed by the story's general concept. It just didn't do much in the way of engaging the attention of my hormones, and I never apologized for it. And as a woman who is waiting to have sex, I couldn't use it as a way to "spice up my relationship" even if I had wanted to.

So, I didn't give it any consideration until very recently. I was curious about certain aspects; I wanted to know if the movie explains where Christian Grey's "fetish" comes from. So I asked my mom to sit through it with me in case I was triggered in an unpleasant way. She and I got past the whole "awkward sex scenes" thing a couple years ago anyway when we made the mistake of watching Wolf of Wall Street together ("Let's watch this for movie night," she said. "It will be fun," she said...).

Let me preface my thoughts by making it clear that this is not a movie review, and that I'm neither promoting nor shaming BDSM between two consenting adults. But I also want to note that, right off the bat, I discovered that this movie wasn't really about how sexy BDSM is; I misjudged the whole purpose of the movie, and I think a lot of people do too. Sure, there were a few unquestionably steamy scenes. But they were pretty sporadic throughout the film (unless my mind is blocking some parts out, which is also plausible), and that's not the only indicator of my point.

Christian Grey does not tell us much about himself; most of the things I learned about him were observed from his actions and through personal experience and intuition. One thing he does share, though, is the way in which he lost his virginity. He speaks with so little emotion that it doesn't seem as though he's bothered by it, which can sometimes make an audience feel equally indifferent. But don't be fooled; a middle aged woman seducing a fifteen year old is very wrong and very illegal. Christian Grey was raped, and we probably won't ever be sure how many times over the course of that six years. I did some research and understand that there are some other details about his past that have played a role in shaping who he is. But I was immediately sympathetic to him, and, quite frankly, satisfied that there was more depth to the story than just a bunch of kinky sex.

The statutory rape is a crucial explanation for his habits and traits that mystify Anastasia (even though she learns about his assaults at the same time we do). He does not like to be touched. Even outside of the physically intimate moments the two characters share, he reprimands her each time she attempts to reach for him. Survivors of sexual assault are often alarmed by sudden personal contact, particularly when they have been triggered. He also has never had a relationship, nor has he slept in a bed with another person before he meets Ana. This would come across as strange to those who don't fully understand the effects of sexual violence. But it is actually normal to respond to the trauma by avoiding romantic intimacy, whether consciously or not. It is equally normal to lose sight of what a healthy sex life looks like. That's why I didn't find it a coincidence that he only has desire for sex if it resembles that of his rape. Yet, I don't think he ever means harm, hence the extensive contracts and his repeated reassurance to Ana that she is free to leave whenever she wants.

Christian Grey "exercises control in all things." That is a major indicator of trauma. Survivors are all different. No one handles it in the same way. But one of the most common things that is shared across the board is the obsession, the desperation of having control. It's as if we try to make up for that one part of our past when we have zero control by having all of it in every aspect of our lives moving forward. Christian Grey even takes this into the bedroom. He likes to be the roaring voice of authority over when, where, how, and with whom both partners express their sexuality.

This did not bother me even in the slightest when he describes the contracts that he and his past "submissives" had agreed to and signed. That is called consent, and it is required under the law at all times. But Anastasia never signs the contract they construct. She never formally consents to anything written in the document because she is torn between a man she wants and his lifestyle that she doesn't. Yet they engage in several BDSM sexual activities. And, unsurprisingly, we see her recoil and refuse his touch toward the end. This is a sign that, even though she asks it of him, she feels violated. As if she, too, sees his habits as unhealthy and even disturbing. And we see her finally decide (for now) that she would rather sacrifice having him than continue with sexual acts that she so clearly does not want.

When the movie ended and the credits rolled, two things were going through my head: First, I was relieved that I had not been triggered by the nature of the graphic content. On the contrary, it was validating to see Christian Grey express some of the symptoms of PTSD that I struggle with. Second, I decided that Fifty Shades of Grey is not at all about glorifying kinky sex. BDSM is not accurately portrayed in the film because it's really about Christian's damaging obsession with dominating women, or just dominating in general. It's about a broken man who's unable to face the trauma of rape but instead repeats the cycle of his attacker through sexual activity that he considers BDSM because it's the only thing he really knows. He finally admits it when he calls himself "fifty shades of fucked up."

I appreciate this author for giving me this insight and for daring to write about something that really needs to be talked about more. Who knew so much depth could come from what started out at Twilight fan fiction?