Thanksgiving: Between the family drama and relatives you haven’t even talked to since last year, it’s enough to make anyone want to hide in the bathroom with a slice of pumpkin pie and call it a night. For anyone making the treacherous voyage over the river and through the woods this November, here is a handy dandy field guide to the wildlife you may encounter. Good luck and godspeed, my friend.
Sibling Squad:
They’re obnoxious, annoying, and they eat the last Pop-Tart you were saving for yourself-- but when you’re forced to spend time awkwardly talking with people you hardly know, they are your lifeline. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve fought on the car ride there. The second you are accosted by old ladies asking for the ten millionth time what your major is, you are connected at the hip. For your own safety, keep them within arms reach at all times. This is a battlefield, and no man will be left behind.
Glamorous Great Aunt:
She still thinks she’s at the Christmas Party of ‘85 but honestly, it’s better that way. Nobody has the heart to tell her that she just repeated the same joke five times in a row. Even then, the dementia has done nothing to dull her personality. She’s a sequin-covered personification of hospitality, a relic of debutantes past. Regardless of whether she remembers who you are or not, she still talks to you as if you’ve been her best friend since 1953, just in case. At this point it's safe to assume she’s pretty much immortal, because she’s not going anywhere any time soon. Basically: Old Lady Goals.
Caffeinated Cousin:
Avoid at all costs. Whether this kid is bouncing off the walls because someone has just offered them the soda their parents have banned them from drinking, or they’ve just got ants in their pressed fancy pants, they are sure to leave a trail of spilled glasses and thrown food in their wake. Their favorite activities include wrestling you to the ground and crying to their mom until they are allowed to skip their vegetables and go right to the pie. This kid is able to get away with things your parents would have shipped you off to military school for. If you want to get through the night with your outfit and your sanity intact, do not engage.
Awkward Aunt:
She’s what the kids these days call “#relatable”-- not. But oh, does she try. Usually a businesswoman of the second-wave feminist caliber, the youths of today are completely lost on her. Something-- either her need to be cooler than her stay-at-home-mom siblings or her need to prove that she’s still young and hip-- has possessed her to try and become your best friend. Unless you have a lot of patience for misused memes (“This turkey is on fleek!”) and awkward silences, try your best to sneak away while she’s downing her fifth glass of wine.
Perfectionist Parents:
To the Perfectionist Parent, everything you do and everything about your house is a direct reflection on their skills as a parent. That means there is no way Aunt Mary’s kids are going to be be better behaved than you this year, by God! Sit up straight, don't make any off-color jokes, and don't roll your eyes, and you should be good. If you keep under the radar, they should become too engaged in the “my kid is more successful than your kid” game to really pay you much mind.
Under the Influence Uncle:
Chaotic good at best, a slobbering mess at worst. If anyone is going to pregame for Thanksgiving dinner, it’s this guy. He’s a professed lover of sex jokes and a sworn enemy of the status quo. No matter how innocently he starts out, it’s not a real family gathering until he falls on the table and brings up every single bit of family drama that’s happened in the last fifty years- “Hey Sheila, remember how cousin Margo stole your date at the Christmas party in '84?”. He’s most likely out of anyone to be the black sheep of the family, but for the most part he’s actually the most genuine person there.
Silent Significant Other:
Usually a date of Under the Influence Uncle or Awkward Aunt, they are the one person who wants to be here even less than you. They have begrudgingly agreed to come in hopes of gaining some brownie points, but there comes a point where they start to question just how worth it this was. These shy, elusive creatures keep to themselves for the most of the night, and seldom venture far from the chip bowl. Approach with caution, and don’t expect to get more than one word sentences in response to anything you say.
This is just a starter list to the different wildlife you'll encounter around the dinner table. Find any that aren't above? Share your findings in the comments, and have an awesome Thanksgiving!
