Sarah is gone. Amy realizes this as everything comes together over the course of a few minutes. Sarah's silence and distracted answers. She hardly answered phone calls or text messages. When Amy had asked Jane a couple of weeks ago about Sarah's odd behavior she'd said that Sarah was rarely home, and when she was, she locked herself in her room.
Sarah's room. Amy takes the stairs two at a time, earning herself a bruised shin when she trips at the top. She's glad no one's home, because the thud and her cursing would've been heard by someone. If she's about to find out something bad about Sarah, she wants to be the only one.
As Amy opens her younger sister's door she is well aware of what this whole mess has to do with. But whatever Sarah is doing, she's keeping it well hidden. Amy can't find anything that could give her any kind of clue. Instead, she sits down on Sarah's bed, hugging a pillow that hold the scent of her sister's perfume. Where the hell is she? There's not enough time to think of a lie before the rest of their family finds out.
A quick glance around the room doesn't give away much to anyone who doesn't know Sarah. She didn't hold on to things like Jane. It wasn't easily seen what was important to her. But Amy can see. Even in the daylight, she can see the five, small, glow-in-the-dark-stars on Sarah's closet door. The dried flower petals on her dresser that came from their gardens. A picture Jane had drawn when she was little. Her seven-year-old version of their house with their family in front of it.
The sound that pierces through Amy's thoughts makes her jump, scrambling for her phone. Sarah's muffled ringtone gets louder when Amy pulls it out of her pocket.
"Sarah!" she shouts.
"Amy?" It's hard to hear her.
"Sarah!" Amy yells again. There's so much background noise, and Amy can just imagine where Sarah might be calling from.
"Amy, I'm ok. I can't tell you anything, but I'm fine. Tell everyone I love them." And that was it. The silence is deafening after all the noise. Amy tries Sarah again, but makes herself stop after seven calls. They're all going to voicemail.
Amy fights back tears mostly out of anger. What the hell was going on?
It all started with that stupid party, the one Sarah's co-worker mentions. Sarah doesn't want to go, but the alternative is always the reason she finds herself in places and company she's not always familiar with. Staying home is no longer a safe option, though she finds out soon enough that life will find you in the shittiest places you try hiding out in. Needing a distraction, Sarah knows she's going to end up at the party when Andrea promises it's going to be worth it, because it's Duncan's gig. Wild isn't even close to the word that could describe some of the shit Sarah had seen, though it's not what she associates when she thinks about Duncan's parties. Bordering on desperate for her thoughts to be nothing, Sarah spots Ryan before her options become choices she always regrets. Knowing the odds of seeing him here were in her favor, Sarah feels lighter than she has in weeks as she watches Ryan watching her. A constant, fleeting thought brings color to her cheeks that no one can see because it's dark. Ryan wasn't like every other guy she found herself with, and the days that followed their night together were so confusing.
Not confusing enough to stop them from seeking each other out at parties before settling for what was available if the other wasn't there. But this isn't one of those nights, Sarah thinks, watching Ryan's eyes get darker the closer he gets.
"Well, well." He greets her. "I was beginning to think you went and got one of those relationship things. You've been MIA."
Sarah wrinkles her nose. "What's a relationship?"
"Don't really know. Maybe we should find out." He was always saying things like this.
"Hey, Ryan." someone says, but he's not paying attention to anything but reaching for Sarah's hand.
"What are you doing?" Sarah laughs at him.
"Just checking." He rubs her ring finger and she pulls her hand away.
"Yeah, right." Sarah tells his smirking face.
"I'll drink to that!" Ryan shouts. It takes twenty more minutes of flirting and drinking, but they both know it's going to happen eventually. It always takes a few drinks before either one is bold enough to say or do something. If it were any other guy, Sarah wouldn't be nervous, because she wouldn't care. But all the feelings calm down, just like they always did. They casually slip away from the mass of bodies growing and receding around them, the pace of the music controlling the space they move through until they're finally alone. This will be a first. They usually went to Ryan's place, but it doesn't look like either one is willing to wait that long.
"This is a first." Ryan echoes Sarah's thoughts out loud, pulling her through a door.
"The only first." she teases. He grabs her, tickling her enough so she's leaning into him before pushing her onto the bed. He pauses long enough to take her in, then lies down beside her.
"Need another drink?" Sarah teases. She hates how she is with him, so unsure of herself, but so sure of him, and the things he'll do to her.
"No, you're the only thing I need." This shuts them both up. Moving to close the little space between them, their bodies connect with enough force to bring a sound of satisfaction from each of them. They both want this bad, and Sarah leads Ryan to be a little rougher than he normally is. What they did between them was never just something to get over with, but it always ended eventually.
"And life is good again." Ryan, still breathing hard, whispers this in Sarah's ear, even though they're alone. Sarah smiles in the dark.
"Life is good for now." she corrects him, making him laugh softly. She loves the sound of it in her ear, in the dark, the two of them beside each other.
"Yeah, you're right. Eventually you'll disappear on me again, leaving me with all my crazed thoughts." He sits up, turns, and pulls her arm so she's sitting up, too.
"Ok, but what will all those other girls think if I'm around all the time?" They start sorting through the strewn about clothes, trading shirts and underwear.
"What will would all those guys think?"
Sarah pulls on her jeans. "They'd probably think I was in one of those…what did you call it?"
"Relationship."
"Right. We can't be leading everyone on."
When their clothes are on, and their feelings start confusing them, Ryan grabs Sarah as they get to the door. She feels the pulsing music on her back as he presses his body to hers, and then his lips, the door the only thing keeping them upright.
"Don't go MIA on me for too long."
She has no answer, but he's gone before she can pull herself together, anyway. She doesn't seem him the rest of the night, and it gives her a satisfying feeling. She'd never be able to stand seeing him be casual with other girls. Not that it matters.
Ryan's not around to keep her occupied, but there's another guy hanging around giving Sarah a bad feeling. Wherever she ends up, he's there. It wouldn't be so weird if he wasn't staring so hard at her.
A few more drinks and Sarah finds the nerve to walk up to him. He doesn't see her until she's in his face. He's as surprised as Sarah is with herself. His mouth drops open.
"What's your problem, dude?"
He has no answer. Sarah can see his bottom teeth. She gives him a dumb look.
"You know, if you're gonna keep your mouth open like that, you should say something. Otherwise you're gonna swallow a fuckin fly."
His mouth snaps shut. They stand there and stare at each other.
"I'm Marcus."
"Ok." Sarah says. "What does that have to do with you staring at me and following me all night?"
Marcus blushes, taking a step back. "Shit, I'm sorry, it's not like that -"
"Wait. Have I seen you before?"
His eyes snap up and lock onto hers, and Sarah's mouth goes dry at the fear in his eyes.
"No, no, I don't think so." he says way too quickly, but Sarah recognizes him. The fear in Marcus' eyes grows, and he turns to leave.
"Wait!" Sarah doesn't mean to yell as she grabs him. "Where do I know you from? Tell me, because I can tell you know." It's bugging her, to know something, but not enough to put it together. He's holding back, and it brings this whole situation to a new level. Sarah can't quite keep up, and whether her head is spinning from whatever this is, or from drinking, she doesn't know. But she knows this is all so strange, and something's not right.
"Whoa, hey. You ok?"
Sarah grabs his arm. "Yeah. I think."
Marcus peers at her face, decides something, and sighs. "Ok. Ok." He looks around, then says, "Let's go somewhere a little calmer. Can you walk outside?" She can, but she has to lean on him.
"Here." Sarah stops him once they're outside, collapsing in a chair. She's not about to go too far from the party, but she also isn't going to make it any farther.
"What the fuck is going on?"
Marcus watches as she takes deep breaths, trying to calm herself. "Are you sure that you're –"
"Marcus."
"I know who you are, Sarah." he says quietly, looking at the ground. Sarah shakes her head.
"And who am I?"
"My sister."
"Your what?"
Marcus stays quiet as he keeps his head down. "A couple of weeks ago, did you someone show up at your door?"
Sarah swallows back a bad taste. She can only nod.
"Same." Marcus says, finally looking at her. Sarah stares at him, then leans over her chair and throws up. Marcus winces. He's pretty sure this was more from the news than the night's drinking.
"This can't be happening." Sarah gasps.
"Look, maybe now isn't the best time to be sharing any of this. Do you want me to take you home?" he asks gently.
"Yes, please." Sarah tells him, tears falling down her face.
"Did you come with anyone?" Marcus helps her up. Sarah just shakes her head. "Do you want to call anyone?" he presses, clearly concerned. Again, Sarah just shakes her head.
"Ok."
"Just get me home." Sarah pleads, and Marcus stops looking so unsure and guides her to his car. Home is the last place she wants to be. Calling Amy was an option, but if Sarah shows up in this state, there's no way she could keep from laying this all out on Amy. Same with Olivia. The only thing Sarah can hope for is that her mom and sister are asleep. She makes Marcus promise he won't say a word during the drive. He keeps his promise until they're in the driveway.
"Do you want my number…" he trails off, unsure of what should be said. Sarah starts crying again, and she's pretty sure she's going to be sick again.
"Can you just meet me somewhere tomorrow?"
Marcus nods. "Of course."
Sarah makes is to the back of the house before throwing up in some bushes, the smell of honeysuckle so strong it makes her cry harder. "Fuck," she gasps, recognizing the feeling of panic that had once blanketed her childhood. Something inside her clicks, making her take a deep breath. "Get it together." she whispers to herself, finally feeling somewhat in control. When she's inside a noise from the front of the house pulls her towards the living room. Olivia and Jane are fast asleep, both spread across the couch and each other, a tangle of arms, legs, and blankets. Sarah hadn't even noticed Olivia's car.
The tv is blaring, but Sarah knows better than to turn it off. Olivia always sleeps with the tv on. Sarah looks over her sisters, wanting so bad to curl up with them and be comforted. But this problem of hers, she refuses to share it with them. She can feel how much it'll kill them, because it's all she can do not to let it take her down.
Sarah gives them another look before stumbling up to her room. Thank God Meredith's room is at the other end of the hall. Collapsing on her bed, Sarah cries herself to sleep for the first time in years. It had taken so long for her to overcome this same helpless feeling when she was younger. Trust had been the reason why. But now, she has more people in her life than she'd ever hoped for, and she knows she can depend on every single one of them.
She just can't turn to any of them with this.
Jane hears her at six the next morning, knows it's Sarah because Meredith always sleeps in on Saturdays. Wherever she's sneaking off to, Sarah doesn't want their mom to know. She listens as Sarah pauses at the living room doorway, and then her footsteps become quiet when she leaves through the kitchen door. Apparently, she doesn't want anyone to know where she's going. The front door is only steps away from the living room.
When she doesn't hear Sarah's car start up, Jane makes her way to the living room window just in time to see a car pull up in front of the house. Sarah watches the house as she gets in and it drives off. If she sees Jane watching her, she doesn't give it away. When it's still quiet and empty outside after a few minutes, Jane finally moves from the window. Something is up. Sarah often kept things to herself, but this isn't the same. Whatever Sarah's doing, she's keeping it from them. Which means it's bad, and Jane's first and only thought goes straight to Sarah's father as she falls heavily back onto the couch. She glances at Olivia, knowing she should wake her up, but Jane wants to convince herself that if Sarah's situation is really this bad, then she wouldn't hide it from her family. Instead, Jane turns the tv up to drown out Olivia's snores, hoping Sarah is just getting a ride to her car because she'd left it at whatever party she was at last night. Jane lets an hour go by before calling her sister.
