No one fucking told me health insurance was so goddamn expensive.

"Really? You didn't know health insurance was so--"

No, I did not. Okay?

No one told me about 401(k) plans or 529 plans or how to do taxes or how to manage stocks and James Bond. (Socks and bonds? Stocks and bonds.)

Is it bad if I don't take part in the stock market? It's just another source of income. So, I guess the question is would it be stupid to not take part in the stock market… is that question rhetorical? All I know is that every day, multiple times a day, my father checks in on Dow Jones. I wonder if my mother knows.

The task of transitioning from college into successful adulthood is like being stuck on one side of a hundred thousand-foot chasm with nothing but five pieces of soggy wood, three nails, one of those inflatable hammers you win at carnivals, and a diploma saying, "eat shit, you useless cunt. No one cares about you. Welcome to real life."

And when you're given tools like that, it can only go one of two ways: you either try to use what little information you actually know and what little resources you actually have to try making a bridge, only to fall into the abyss of existential dread, or you ditch the tools all together and make the leap like a lunatic. Spoiler alert: you aren't going to make it onto the other side. It's a fucking hundred thousand-foot chasm. Clearly you didn't take the basic maths requirement of your college's core curriculum seriously enough.

I'm starting to think that there isn't a single person that has successfully made it onto the other side: adults act like petty teenagers who feel entitled to the world because of how "experienced" and "mature" they are, senior citizens are just babies in extremely large diapers, and teens/"young adults" are fucking idiots who think they know better than their petty teenage parents. In this world, you're either being shit on for not having your shit together, shitting on someone else for not having their shit together, or just plain shitting yourself.

But here's a secret: no one has their shit together. And life just becomes one big competition to see who can appear the least shit-stained by pointing out (and distracting everyone with) how much everyone else doesn't have their shit together.

TLDR: adulting is hard, and you will always have shit in your pants. Deal with it.