Completely out of the blue a couple of months ago, I got a text from an old high school friend that I hadn’t talked to in a year or so. It started off as a normal conversation, just a typical “Hey, how have you been, how’s school, how’s life?” and I honestly didn’t expect anything more to come from it. A few minutes into the conversation though, we somehow got to talking about success, specifically in terms of money and relationships. Now I need to take a second to acknowledge that I have a somewhat unique viewpoint of these things compared to most people that I know, and for that reason, it was always really difficult to express this viewpoint to people, because they just didn’t quite understand. Unexpectedly, this random text from some guy I barely even knew in high school turned into a pivotal moment in my life, because it finally gave me a chance to put all of my thoughts on the concept of success into words for the first time. Simply put, I believe that the biggest key to both financial and relational success is independence, and I want to take a moment to explain why, in the hope that even if you don’t agree with what I have to say, that it’ll at least give you some perspective.
First, let’s talk a little bit about financial success. Ask most people what they consider success to be, and one of the first things out of their mouth will probably have something to do with money. The rich are generally thought to be drastically more successful than the poor, and money is a huge part of that. Without money, rich people couldn’t afford the designer clothes, the fancy cars, the big, beautiful mansions, and all of the other bells and whistles that our society generally considers to be symbols of success. But success doesn’t just equate to money, and money isn’t the only thing that can make life luxurious. So here’s my stance on this. Do I want a life of abundance in the future? Yes. But I don’t want a life where I have to depend on someone else to be able to have that abundance. I want a life where I can live on my own terms, on my own dime, and on my own watch. I’m only a sophomore in college, and I’m currently working three jobs, making around $1000 a month to ensure that I can provide for myself the way that I want to, not the way someone else thinks I should. But I’m not chasing that money because I want a glamorous life. Flashy things are nice, but what I’m really looking for is the security and the independence; that matters a lot more to me than the beach house and the Lamborghini. I want to know that I have the freedom and the means to accomplish everything I want to accomplish, and not have to rely on someone else to help me do those things. In my mind, that’s what true success really looks like; it’s being able to get what you want, the way that YOU want to, not because someone else handed it to you. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the only way you can get exactly what you want out of life is to get it on your own. If you want more, YOU have to do the work to be more, and once you do so, you will naturally attract wealth, not just financially, but emotionally, physically, spiritually, and relationally.
Which brings me to my second point. What exactly do we consider a successful relationship? Is it good sex? Is it a 5-carat diamond ring? Is it buying a house and having kids? Is it being able to say (at least in theory) that someone will always love and care for you, even when shit hits the fan? Many people argue that all of these things are important, and I agree to a certain extent. Much of the world also believes that a successful relationship is one in which the man accepts responsibility for taking care of his woman—that the woman needs the man to provide for her—and this is where I start to have a problem. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that I’m a bit of a feminist, but there is nothing in the world that is less appealing to me than the thought of depending on a man to take care of me. Now this is not to say that I don’t believe in love or that I want to be single forever, but I am a dominant woman, far too dominant to even think about relying on anyone except myself for anything. That kind of independence is a dangerous and terrifying quality in a woman that most men haven’t quite figured out how to handle. So here’s what I’m getting at. At least in my mind, being in a relationship does not mean giving up your own life to do what your partner wants, nor does it mean constantly needing something from your partner, be it money or attention or what have you. Very important concept here: a relationship should always be a coexistence, not a dependence. For a relationship to truly succeed, the man and the woman must still have the freedom to have their own plans, make their own decisions, and feel comfortable being their own people. Acknowledge your partner’s strength, drive, and success; learn from it; and feed off of it, but don’t try to distract them from it. You might not agree, but I think that the most deep and potent connections are formed between two people who focus and grind and struggle together; two hard-working people who compliment each other’s lives, rather than trying to become each other’s lives. That’s what real success in a relationship looks like. Lift your partner up and make them better, but don’t lose who you are in the process. Grind WITH them, don’t grind FOR them. Giving up your individuality to be with someone else is a huge mistake because once you do you won’t be able to get that individuality back. And you are going to end up so disappointed when you wake up one morning and you can’t remember the person you used to be anymore because you gave that person away.
The most important thing I’m trying to get across here is this: before you can be successful in any aspect of your life, you have to learn how to be your own person. You have to learn how to take care of yourself, look out for yourself, and motivate yourself, because if you really want to live a successful life, you can’t depend on anyone but yourself to do those things for you. The most successful people are the ones that built their empires on their own terms and didn’t need to ask for help because they trusted themselves to reach the top on their own. It’s so much more rewarding to know that you busted your ass to get what you want instead of just having it handed to you, so why bother relying on someone other than yourself to make things happen? If it’s money you want, go make it on your own. If it’s a strong relationship you want, find someone that can be happy and satisfied without taking your focus away from yourself and your goals. Put yourself first and make it your priority to live the life you want to live. Do that, and success will always find its way to you. I can absolutely promise you that.
