My friend’s mom had birthday party the other day, and for some reason, throughout the night, I took time to really analyze the conversations that were being held. It was a girls night, and the conversation varied, but was was particularly focused towards boyfriends, men, husbands, etc. Then I realized that about 80 percent of the conversation was about their significant other. One was sad because her boyfriend didn’t say “happy birthday,” the other was mad because her boyfriend didn’t want to come to my house after the birthday dinner, the other was mad because her man was caught cheating and they all wanted to tell me how jealous they were that I had a nice guy.

The next day I took time to gather this information and evaluate it. Why did all of these girls (including myself) focus on men? The point is, it was a girls night and we should have had a lot more to talk about. I know we have a lot more to talk about. A few simple words from our boyfriend could ruin our whole night, or even change completely how we see ourselves. Now, letting your feelings out about a relationship is always a good thing but when does it become too much? When does our man take over our whole life? One may not even realize it, but I’ve looked at many aspects of my life, and many others, and I have a theory.

It’s Christmas time and you're fresh back from your first year of college. Grandma greets you and the first question that comes out of her mouth is, “so, have you found a boyfriend yet since you’ve been in college?” Embarrassed, you say no. “Well you better hurry up, your biological clock is ticking!” Frustrated, you think: Is being a mom all I’m good for?

But more importantly: Why are you embarrassed to be single?

If you answered yes, she asks, “is he successful? What is his major?” For some reason, grandma, mom and your auntie get excited asking you questions about him. It’s great to have a boyfriend, but no one took the time to ask about your studies, and if they did, it often times becomes brief. Why do we always hear, “wow he’s so nice, but is he successful?” Obviously you want your spouse to be stable, but you don’t need a successful man to be happy. You can be successful on your own.

What I’m getting at is, we have been raised by women who grew up in a time of oppression, where we focus on what the man is doing. Up until the 60s, women have always (unjustly, might I add) been conditioned to take the back seat, and it has rubbed off on us, but we may not even see it. I am guilty of this as well, and until recently, I haven’t realized it. Since we are young we are conditioned to think that relationships are the ultimate goal in a person’s life. Carrie always writes about chasing Big, and all Prince Charming has to do is marry Cinderella and all of the sudden her life takes a turn for the better. All of the headlines about Taylor Swift are about her next boyfriend. In fact, most people’s first association with her is the fact that she has so many boyfriends. Did you know she’s a multi-millionaire with a huge fan base and hundreds of successful songs? Let’s focus on what’s important here. Why is there a show on E! called “Wives and Girlfriends of Professional Athletes?” These girls have talents too. These girls talk down on each other, throw drinks on each other and argue to the death about how they steal each others men, have the better husband, who's more loyal… the list goes on and on. They do this with the goal to achieve a husband. Why are girls hurting each other for the sake of men? We need to come together. Each one of those girls is beautiful in their own way, and there rarely is a husband in that show showing praises to their wife and acknowledging the things that make her beautiful and special. Girls always have to give each other the reassurance “don’t worry you’re prettier than her!” when we should be saying, “Don’t worry, you have so much to bring to the table, you’ll be okay!” Let us join together and celebrate ourselves as women. Let us end the days of altering our bodies to impress others, and turn them into the days of staying healthy for ourselves. We must recognize we have lives other than what our elders have shown us, or what society portrays to us.

The word this generation of feminists needs to focus on is Differentiation.

Women have come so far, and we continue to do so. But there is a concept we have not touched on as much (at least not in my opinion) which I call differentiation. It’s not an official term, but I like to tell myself to separate myself from others so that I can try to remain independent. It may have been my friends mom’s birthday, but she didn’t take the time to celebrate herself because she couldn’t separate happiness with having a man. The problem is that our surroundings have conditioned us to equate being in a relationship as being happy when we need to be happy with ourselves. If she had differentiated, she would have been able to say, “it’s still my birthday, I don’t need this man to make me happy!” If your boyfriend doesn’t show up to the party, it is going to be okay. You have a lot of catching up to do! If your cheated on, don’t be scared to walk away. When others say “there’s more fish in the sea,” stay strong and reply “I don’t need any more fish right now, thanks!”

Many also have problems with “comfortability.” In my case, I chose to stay in a relationship because I was too “comfortable” to not be single. I assumed that he would be successful, and that even though we had our rough patches, it would blow over and my future would be stable. The truth is, if it isn’t stable now, you’ll only allow your boyfriend to push the boundaries and your line of comfortable will be blurred. I didn’t even see that I had the potential to be something so much greater than just a girlfriend. You need to break free and be happy just being with yourself. Being too comfortable becomes being dependent, which opens the door for mistreatment. If one sees you are dependent in the relationship, unspoken roles are placed. Don’t give them the power of all of your time, emotion and attention. Balance is the key in a relationship.

You are your own person. You have a degree, you have dreams, your talents, you have passions and hobbies. Don’t let anyone else inhibit them because you are comfortable or need acceptance from a man. Many people tend to throw their talents out of the window because they don’t feel accepted. Many also throw their talents out of the window because they have a family they are so eager to make, and in the end, many become sad that they didn’t focus on their dreams. Acknowledging your different talents is key before it becomes too late.

I have sit through dinners where my friend’s boyfriends absolutely rip them apart, comment on everything they do from how they dress to what they eat. The sad part is they sit there and take it. As mild(ish) as that may sound, think of how this could escalate. It starts out as comments and ends up as physical abuse. The problem will be that once you’re too conditioned into thinking that fixing the relationship is the ultimate goal, you’re willing to take the abuse. This is why finding yourself before finding a partner is so important. If you are able to differentiate yourself from your partner, it will be much easier for you to see your worth, and know when to walk away when things go south.

Now I’m not saying that women are weak or submissive at all. What I am saying is many of us have been conditioned to have the priority of a happy relationship or finding a successful husband. I am saying that this subtle mindset is making a bigger impact than what I thought. I am saying that we need to shift our focus to ourselves. I’m not saying men are evil or that we should push them out of our lives. Obviously being loved is an amazing feeling that you can share with your partner, but don’t let that put blinders on your life. We need to bring our talents and dreams to light. We need to end this cycle. When someone asks if you’ve found a boyfriend yet, reply “Oh my new internship is great thanks for asking!” When you get stood up by a new guy you’ve been talking to, go make that business deal and treat yourself from that growing bank account of yours! When your mom tells you, “your biological clock is ticking” tell her about the raise you just got. Knowing what you’re worth, along with recognizing your talents, and defining yourself before you define your relationships is very important. Knowing your worth can make you feel happy with yourself, and may even keep you safe from a harmful relationship. The point is, you are different from what the world around you has led you to believe. Differentiate yourself from your man. Be you.