As a female athlete, I am constantly tormented by the internal battle I have with myself regarding my physique. On one hand, my goal as an athlete is to be physically fit: muscular, toned, big, defined— strong. On the other hand, my goal as a female is to be physically appealing: slender, statuesque, petite— attractive. When I was younger, there was little concern over having a visibly athletic body type. As a matter of fact, looking athletic was embraced! In middle school, having bigger biceps than the boys in your grade was often seen as impressive. Now, however, being the female collegiate-athlete that I am, I have found myself self-conscious of my physical appearance. No longer am I gloating about having larger muscles than my fellow male friends…

What once was the average, athletic looking, 5’5”, 140ibs girl that exited high school with the typical swimmer’s physique, was now a bulked-up college athlete who was walking around with an additional ten to fifteen pounds of muscle. In the beginning, it was incredibly satisfying and empowering to see my body grow stronger week after week. At the beginning of the season, my teammates and I would often flex in front of the mirrors, commenting on how “swol” we were getting, and how impressively big our muscles were. However, once I started to notice that the numbers on my weighing scale were increasing by the week, I soon began to question my training. No longer was I proudly flexing in front of the mirror. Instead, I began critiquing myself, criticizing my appearance for looking too muscular, too big— too masculine.

It hadn’t occurred to me how much I had bulked-up from training until I had to try on dresses for an upcoming formal event. Every dress I tried on took a shot at my self confidence. All I noticed were broad “swimmer shoulders,” thick arms and dresses that no longer flattered my figure (as they once had done in the beginning of the school year). I felt frustrated, discouraged and very unattractive. Naturally, I called my mom… in tears. On the phone, I expressed concerns regarding my body. I called myself “hulk-like” and “masculine looking.” I was embarrassed. And while I knew that the strength of my body was going to help me in the pool, it was hard accepting it outside of the water.

That said, I was constantly in a state of conflict, internally debating whether training to be the best was really worth it. Because regardless of how strong and empowered I felt in the water, I felt ashamed and embarrassed while on land.

However, it wasn’t until the last races during my championship meet that I realized how necessary it was for my body to be in the shape it was in. All the training I had put myself through to develop a strong and powerful body turned out to be worth it; the results proved it. I finally realized that there was nothing wrong with my body. I was healthy. I was strong. I was bigger. And I was muscular.

I was a collegiate-athlete.

To this day I still find myself looking in the mirror, judging my body for what its turned into. But instead of criticizing the reflection of myself, I stand there proud, empowered and strong.

I know there are hundreds of female athletes who probably feel the same about their bodies. So to them, I say this: embrace your body, love yourself and realize that strong is beautiful. You are an athlete, and your job is to do whatever it takes to be the best. So don’t hold back. Train harder than ever before, lift more and push your body to its limit. In the end, it’ll be worth it.

“I don’t look in the mirror and think “slim”; I look in the mirror and I’m like, “Whoa, beast!” It’s just crazy how much the body changes. Looking in the mirror I get surprised like every other week. It’s like I’m Wonder Woman.”— Chantae McMillan, Olympic heptathlete