We get told very often that we have to love someone to know what life is. Were also told that to fall out of love with someone we can fall in love with someone else. But is that truly possible? Well, I answered that question myself.
Recently, I had a relationship that meant the world to me fall apart. She was the first girl I came out as gay with. She was my first girlfriend and the first person I had ever been in love with. When she decided to call off our engagement (and whole relationship), I had fallen apart. I didn't know how I was ever going to take on life without her. She was my rock. I wanted this more than anything and I didn't see how anyone could just walk away from a love so strong. As she walked away, she still reassured me we would be friends. Day by day I'd text her and ask her how her day went and little things like that showing her that I would still fight for her. After about two weeks, my brother had enough. He gave me the greatest advice (like he always does). He told me from his heart,
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"Amberleigh, you love to scream and laugh like every day is a new day. One thing I've known you to love is being pushed around in buggies and screaming and laughing. You've done this for years. If someone can't push you around in a buggy while you're laughing your annoying donkey laugh, then don't stress it. You don't need that negativity in your life. Whether it's friendships, family, etc. Smile like it's the last time someone will see it because you've got a beautiful smile. Laugh like you've never laughed so hard in your life because it's loud but it's amazing and make anyone else smile. Love with an unconditional love so strong and so big that it lets everyone that meets you know that you'll always be there, because you have a love that's one of a kind."
It hit me hard. It broke me easily as well. How was I going to be OK without someone who showed me how to love someone? Someone who made me feel incomplete without her? I slowly realized that I have to pick up the pieces myself and fix everything, like always, by myself. This time I was determined to make myself love who I was as a person though. I was going to earn my self confidence. I was going to learn how to smile all the time once again.
I contemplated on how was I going to regain this part of me that had been gone long before this ex of mine ever came back. And it hit me then. Where in the world was I happiest at? Mountain City, Tennessee, which is where I was raised from ages three until seventeen. I planned a quick trip and within two weeks I would be long gone from Arkansas. These two weeks of waiting in Arkansas were amazing. I then went to Tennessee, where home would always be. I've gone out with friends, I've laughed with family and I've cried at the memories. I even got into a relationship with a very close friend of mine since we were in middle school. She's held my hand through some tough choices and great memories. I've even smiled the whole time since I've even thought about coming to Tennessee. And then I realized the most perfect thing.
I am in love. I am in love with who I am. Who I am becoming. Who I will adventure to be. My life is a wreck. A mess! I've got horrible anxiety, I've got a touch of depression, and sometimes my life falls to pieces without warning. I crash and I burn. I love anyone and everyone in my life because everyone deserves love whether it's friends, family, pets, etc. Some days, I plan every move I make. Others, I just throw everything in the air and run wild. I love makeup, but I rarely wear it out in public. I was told by a close friend to let myself go. Go where I want. Go where I can breathe and go where I'm happiest. I went home to find myself. And I did just that. I fell in love with all of my own flaws. I fell in love with all my imperfections and who I really was. I finally taught myself to constantly be happy again despite what negativity comes my way. I know I'm far from perfect, but I can accept and love people like they're perfect themselves. So why can't I do the same for myself, now?
I've taught myself a very important lesson: even though I'm in a relationship, I can still fall in love with myself. And that's OK. It's perfectly OK to fall in love with who I am as a person. I've had some help from amazing people I'm close to (especially my best friend, who's welcomed me into her home and my incredible support system of a mother, Crystal) and I really appreciate it from everyone! I'm so glad I never gave up on myself and I actually taught myself to love with a love so deeply for myself. Because no one can tell me how I need to be if I'm perfectly comfortable with who I am. No one can bring my spirit down. All I need is happiness. Loving myself has completed me in so many ways.
So just a tip for anyone looking for someone to love: it's OK to fall in love with who you are even if you are in a relationship, because who you are is who will stand by your side when anyone else walks out.
"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." Psalm 139:14 KJV
