stagnant:
[stag-nuh nt] adjective
Characterized by lack of development, advancement, or progressive movement.
I'm a 22 year old junior in college. I wait tables and teach yoga to earn enough money to put gas into my car to make it to Binghamton for classes. I buy my textbooks out of pocket. I don't have time to go to weekly pilates classes, because I'm too busy scrubbing marinara sauce off my shoes after dropping a tray of capellini and meatballs the night before at work. I do not have the time or money to go out with my friends every weekend. I eat a lot of McChickens instead of eating a home-cooked meal because I am too busy running from classes to work to more work. After a 6-hour school day and 120 minutes spent in the car, I do my homework, and crawl into bed. Once I finally fall asleep I am woken up at 3:00am because there's a couple outside the window arguing about crack.
ABOUT CRACK!!!!!!!
This happens more than I'd like to admit.
When I was 18 I thought by now that I'd have graduated with my bachelor's degree, and would be living in a cool city with a smokin' hot boyfriend and a frickin awesome job. Also, maybe throw in being a mommy to some golden retrievers.
But here I am.
Stagnant.
I feel stuck. I feel like I'm stuck in cement that dried faster than I could pull my feet out of.
No matter how much I feel like I am stuck, I guess the truth is is that I'm really not. I mean yeah, until I finish school I'm going to be stuck working lousy jobs, living in a crappy town next to crappy people who smoke actual crack.
And honestly, I'm glad.
I'm glad because every single day I remember why I work so hard. Because in two years I do want to have my degree. I do want to live in a cool city with my smokin' hot boyfriend. I want to get hired for my dream job. I WANT PUPPIES.
I don't want to end up like these crackheads who wake me up at 3:00 am.
My life isn't ideal right now because I refuse to let my future be anything less than what I want. If that means that I have to struggle with money and a social life in my early twenties, then I will take it so I don't have to struggle like this ever again.
I feel stagnant.
But I am the opposite of stagnant.
I'm working my as* off. And maybe right now I don't see how serving pasta fagioli and reading victorian novels is changing my life. But when I never have to serve a table ever again, I will realize that this all paid off. When I move to a beautiful place, I will realize that this all paid off. When I'm a puppy momma to some golden retrievers I will realize that this all paid off.
This is all temporary. Someday I will have something to show for the late night crackhead fights, spilled spaghetti and weekends spent reading instead of going to the bar.
For whoever feels stagnant, remember, we're working towards something bigger than what we are now. Our river is flowing, even if it's moving slower than we want it to be.
forward:
[fawr-werd] adverb
Toward or at a place, point, or time in advance; onward; ahead.
