Lately, I feel like I've made a ton of huge, positive leaps with my battle with depression. I haven't harmed myself in almost four months. I've been thinking more positive thoughts about my image and character. I've finally begun to forget about negative people I needed to leave behind. However, I can't seem to shake the numbness I've been feeling... or lack of feeling. If you've read my previous articles on my experience through depression, I think I've finally hit the "Nothingness" phase I never felt before.
I've had three of my closest friends say to me, "You're so quiet now." I'm not sure how to respond to this because I didn't know I was being quiet until they addressed it. That's when I realized that I have nothing to say. I am not thinking about anything. I've gone numb. I'm just existing.
This weird numbness has affected three aspects of my life lately the greatest: my experiences, my relationships, and my spirituality.
It's affected my experiences in that I'll do activities I used to love or hang out with awesome people I know I should be having a good time with, but nothing is the same as it used to be. The activities and friends are the same, but something inside of me is not. It's almost like I'm just going through the motions of what I know should be making me happier. I know I want to be able to enjoy sappy movies and goofy jokes and Spicy Doritos and late night talks and funny Snap chats, but I just can't seem to remember how or why I liked these things. It's almost like I have some sort of memory loss as to how my old self reacted to life.
It's affected my relationships in that I'm not finding joy in seeing some of the people I would get so excited over. I used to be that annoying girl who would run and tackle you if I hadn't seen you in five minutes, but now I'm content with a smile and a, "Hi." It's like I can almost physically feel the distance growing between some of my friends and me. It really sucks and I miss being excited to catch up with people and celebrate life together.
It's affected my spirituality the greatest. I would do anything to feel that excitement and fulfillment I used to be able to find through worship or church or Bible Study or Quiet Time. I know God hasn't left my side, not by a single inch, but I just haven't felt His presence in a while. We sang one of my favorite worship songs at my campus ministry the other night, "How He Loves," but I could not feel anything. I closed my eyes and pleaded for God to overcome my doubt and numbness, but nothing happened. I have no clue why I'm going through a spiritual drought right now, but I have to remember that my God is still by my side no matter how numb I feel inside.
Basically, feeling numb is dumb. I'm not loving life right now like I used to. I'm not connecting with people like I used to. I'm not on the same frequency with God like I used to be. BUT I have a surefire hope in my awesome, all powerful God that he's going to restore my spirit one of these days.
