It's strange, the constant feeling of failure. Feeling like a loser in your life because nothing seems to work out. It's a catch twenty-two, at least you think things can't get any worse. At least for a little while things might not suck, then you're lower than ever before. Really feels like a kick in the ribs constantly, even when you're on your hands and knees something's sitting on your back that eventually will make you collapse in on yourself. Whether that be school, socially, a relationship, "taking L's," seems to be my forte.
Magically, this facade comes over me where I can shake off this feeling of dread. I'm sure, one day it'll just defeat me and I can stop pretending my life is in shambles. Ironically I just feel like I'm digging myself a deeper grave (most of the time.)
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Or that's what I thought before it started to. Go to job #1, then job #2, catch maybe six to eight hours of sleep, then do it again. My days off? Usually spent in bed preparing for the next string of working. Is that being truly alive? Doing the same thing day in and day out with no greater purpose?
Certain things are distracting. For example, I've watched iZombie from my bed since 8 A.M today. It's now 5:07 PM and the things I've done today include dishes, a shower, and food. Days like this all I'm consumed by is everything I've done wrong. Letting things go does not come naturally to me, and I hate that fact.
Why am I writing this deprecating encounter of my life? To tell you all it's not normal. Well normalcy is a complex idea to touch upon, but I don't think all seven billion people on Earth wake up wishing they would go back to bed, or could be in a coma. Call it hypocritical, but if you wake up feeling this way, you might not be well. Therapy is horrifying but some output to throw your emotions away from your body and scattered thoughts is important. Hopefully you're stronger than I am, in some way shape or form. You can seek the help you need and feel alive. At this point feeling anything would be better than feeling like a failure, but I'm hoping one day I'll be 30 years old with my own house and feel less like a loser. Like I've said, "taking L's," seems to be a unique ability of mine.
