A little while ago I would've told you that I was happy, but I wasn't truly happy. I knew this, but I would've lied just to spare you.
I was pretending to be "happy" because I wished I was but didn't know how to be. I was "happy" because I thought that if I said I was, it would happen.
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All my life I remember this feeling, this feeling of wanting to be happy, but not knowing how to truly accomplish it. I remember seeing my friends who were and wishing I could feel what they were feeling. I remember the nights where I cried about how I didn't feel it and didn't think I ever would. I remember the emptiness of being the only one who knew I was faking everything.
I finally got to the point where I decided I was done. I was finished. I didn't need to be happy. I was never going to be, so I didn't need to pretend anymore and that's when everything changed. When I stopped lying to myself, I finally learned who I was.
I learned that writing makes me feel alive, I learned that sad movies help me feel a vast spectrum of emotions, I learned that no matter what I do I will still be me. I finally learned the things I liked and the things that would help me one day be able to smile and say "I am happy" and mean it.
I learned that I don't need to depend on others, I learned that I don't need to compare myself to them either. We all have our trials. This is just one of mine.
I recently cut out a lot of bad things in my life: people, activities, places, etc.
In fact, I cut out so many things to the point where I felt slightly lost for a while and some of those things I didn't even choose to cut out--they just left me.
It hurt. It was hard. But it was worth it.
I had to hurt myself in order to finally get better.
I had to feel this deep pain in order to understand that I had always been hurting. I had to do this because I wasn't okay just trying to live a mediocre life. I wanted to have a life worth living. I wanted to be able to smile and have it be real, I wanted to say "I'm happy" and mean it.
Recently, I began surrounding myself with people who do love me and who do care about me. I found a good friend group, I kept the few friends from high school that loved me no matter what, I found a new friend in my college roommate, I made a lot of hard decisions that, in the end, I would make all over again if I had to.
I am finally happy. I can finally say that and mean it. I can finally look at my life and smile, I can finally speak freely with my friends and not worry about what they might say. I can finally be myself and it has made all the difference.
