As I write this, I’m wearing a spaghetti strap camisole, a maxi skirt, and no bra. Not because I’ve been confined to my room all day where no one can see me, but because I feel comfortable wearing an outfit like this in public. And while that may not seem like a big deal, it’s a far cry from fifth-grade me who only wore baggy, oversized shirts or high-school me who always wore a sweater over tank tops or prior-to-three-months-ago me who felt a constant pressure to wear a supportive underwire bra anytime she left the house.
This girl? The one who resists the temptation to hide her arms and hips under a long sweater and simply wears the outfit she wants to wear? She would have terrified the girl who restricted her calories and saw nothing but flaws in every part of her body. But both girls are me.
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I used to wonder what it would feel like to not hate my body, and what it would take to actually feel comfortablein it. I imagined that it would involve a complete, fundamental reworking of who I was as a person. But, for the most part, I don’t feel like that much has changed. I still get self-conscious about my appearance, I still feel exasperated by my frizzy hair, I still look at myself in the mirror with a critical eye. But, despite all of these things, I’m able to love my body.
I no longer expect it to be anything other than what it is. I appreciate my body for what it can do, the physical strength it’s capable of. I no longer compare myself to other people or assume that everyone else feels confident in their own skin. I remember that everyone is fighting, and has fought, battles of their own. I no longer believe that my differences are flaws. I look in the mirror and I see the body that has been with me my whole life, I remember the choices I’ve made with regards to it, and I remind myself that the rest of my life is a chance to make different choices.
I once viewed confidence as an elusive, magical state in which insecurities are nonexistent. Now that confidence is something I actively try to work towards, I see it as the ability to accept insecurities and move forward anyways. So this morning I looked in the mirror at my arms and my hips, easily visible in this outfit, embraced the feelings I have towards them and walked outside anyways.
