Like most of you who are reading this right now, I was raised going to church every week. I attended children's church. I was baptized. I attended youth. I went on youth trips. I did service projects. I sat in a pew every Sunday.

But I was just going through the motions.

I could probably count on my 10 fingers the moments that I really and truly felt and saw Jesus work. Not because I didn't believe, but because I didn't pay attention.

I ran. I attended children's church and only wanted the snacks. I only got baptized because my preacher was leaving and I wanted him to be the one who baptized me. I attended youth because I wanted to be like the older kids. I attended youth trips and was on a spiritual high while I was there, but when I came home, it didn't last long. I did service projects and felt amazing while I did them and could see Jesus working, but when they were over, I didn't continue. I went to church every Sunday but never paid attention to the actual sermon; instead I doodled and passed notes to my friends.

I have always, and will always, run from God.

I feel so unworthy to be used to expand His kingdom. But He doesn't think so. God used so many ordinary and messed up people to teach others about Him, including me.

Abraham was old. Elijah was suicidal. Joseph was abused. Job went bankrupt. Moses had a speech problem. Gideon was afraid. Samson was a womanizer. Rahab was a prostitute. Samaritan Woman was divorced. Noah was a drunk. Jeremiah was young. Jacob was a cheater. David was a murderer. Jonah ran from God. Naomi was a widow. Peter denied Christ three times. Martha worried about everything. Zacchaeus was small and money hungry. The Disciples fell asleep while praying. Paul was a Pharisee who persecuted Christians before becoming one.

“I wonder if Jesus ever looked at His disciples when they were doubting and going astray, smiled, and thought to Himself, ‘they have no idea what they are about to do for My kingdom.’

And then I wonder if Jesus looks at me in my moments of sin and weakness, smiles, and thinks to Himself, ‘she has no idea what she is about to do for My kingdom.’”

Recently I experienced something that I never have before. (For the sake of privacy, my friend is going to be named Amy) I had the opportunity to learn about my friend Amy and how she was raised as an atheist. She was raised to believe in nothing. I could see in her that she wanted something more; she was yearning for something real but didn't know how to believe. Seeing this, my first thought process was, "I have no right to tell her about a God that I haven't spoken to in weeks. His name does not deserve to slip off my filthy lips."

But it did.

Within the circumstances at the time, my body was aching for prayer. Literally, my entire body was shaking uncontrollably. I looked up and asked Amy and our two friends if I could pray with them, even though I knew she didn't believe in God. We proceeded to pray and my body went still. I felt so at peace and I wondered why I had left His presence for so long. As the night went on, Amy was curious of this God I prayed to, so we began to talk and discuss some of my favorite Bible verses. We went to bed that night and I didn’t think anything else of it.

The next day, I received a text from Amy saying, "I talked to God today because of you."

Why, of all the people on the earth, did God choose me to speak to this girl about Him?

Me, the one who has run from His grace and mercy. Me, the one who has blamed Him for all of my own mistakes. Me, the one who has seen and ignored His miraculous works over and over again. Me, the one who would seem to be a huge follower to some people and then the total opposite to others.

Why, and how, does he still use me?

I don't have the answer to this question. I have no idea. But He did. And I am sure that He will continue to do so.

So, Amy, I want to say thank you.

Thank you for showing an interest in a God that I had long forgotten. Thank you for reminding me that He is the only one who places peace and happiness in my heart. Thank you for letting me share a part of myself that I have pushed away for so long.

Because of you, I was reminded that, no matter how messed up I am and no matter how far I run, God can always and will always use me.