Has any of your fears become a security blanket? Like that stuffed animal or special toy used to be when you were a kid? My counselor and some of my mentors, warned me about this. They would say things like, "Remember that you are not your fears," and "you need to put your fears outside of yourself." They encouraged me to look at my insecurities and fears from a distance. I tried to follow their advice but didn't really understand what their words meant. Then, it started to make sense. For example, recently when I realized that something that I used to be terrified of, I was only a little scared of now, instead of feeling relieved that this fear had lessened, I felt reluctant, concerned, and unwilling to admit that this fear seemed to be on it's way out. This didn't make any sense to me. It seemed so strange that I would feel hesitant to proclaim that I had nearly overcome this fear. I hate feeling afraid and insecure, so wouldn't I be eager to shove them out the door and be rid of them? After further thought I realize that, ironically enough, my insecurities were acting a part in making me feel connected to my fears. I felt afraid that once I was emotionally stronger and more confident that I would somehow be more alone, less thought of and cared for. This belief stems from my unhealthy feeling that many of the friends who treat me kindly and with compassion, do so because they feel sorry for me with all my problems, and I feel like if even a few of my fears and problems are lessened or removed, that I will be more alone because those people who felt sorry for me, will lose interest in me. This has actually happened, so my fear that it may happen again, is not totally ridiculous. I have had friends grow distant and less interested in me, when I began to appear stronger and more cheerful. They seemed to feel that my need for them was over, because I appeared to be standing fine on my own feet, so they grew apart and found friends who had more in common with them than I did. So I began to feel like the more fears and insecurities and problems I had, the more I would get the attention, compassion, understanding and sweet treatment that I crave all the time. I've come to feel like my greatest attraction to most of my friends, and to people in general, are my weaknesses, my fears, my problems. So I unintentionally developed a very unhealthy habit of letting my fears, worries, and insecurities rule over me and grow unmanageable, I have never faked my struggles to get sympathy or attention, but I didn't always fight to be cheerful and peaceful, as hard as I might have done because when I appeared to be doing fine, I got so much less attention, so many less hugs and so many less sweet, encouraging words from my friends. I understand now what my mentors meant when they warned me to separate myself from my fears. They could see that I was using my insecurities and weaknesses as a security blanket. I've realized that I had grown so used to feeling sad and worried most of the time that I felt weird and unprotected if I am happy and peaceful for a longer length of time. I want to overcome this, I want to feel safe, secure and cared about enough to let go off my fears and feel safe being happy and confident. I feel like I'm a bud that's afraid to open for fear of being damaged and left on the ground. But I don't want to be closed up anymore. I don't want to be afraid to open up. I want to bloom.
(Below is a personal photo of an orchid flower.)
