While minding my own business and scrambling around my room to try and find my headphones before the gym, I started to hear obnoxious banging noises coming from down below. I immediately knew this meant my mother was onto another one of her projects. I quickly threw on my workout clothes and started sprinting for the door- knowing if I stayed much longer, I would be involved in this ordeal as well.

I did not even make it half-way down the steps before hearing her call out "Maaary Ellllennn, can you help me with something really quick?" Both annoyed and resistant, I made my way towards the kitchen anyway to see what was in store for the next several hours of my life.

I was almost brought to tears once I realized what I was going to be helping her with.

I labeled each of the 25 brown bags with a short and sweet two-word quote I thought of: "stay strong", in bright purple ink with a heart attached. After personalizing them, we then stuffed them with a napkin, Hershey's bar, a bottle of water, bag of chips, and a freshly-warmed hot dog with individual packets of ketchup and mustard. We sealed each bag with a staple, squeezed the bulk into a couple giant Trader Joe's bags, and hit the road for Downtown Raleigh.

On the way, my mother ranted about how fortunate we are and listed all the things she wishes to do in order to feel like we are not taking anything for granted, as she constantly does. This remarkable woman stays involved in as many things as she possibly can. Whether it's throwing a hurricane party, cooking for church, playing bridge, Nanning, taking dancing lessons, being president of every committee, doing our taxes, fixing the dryer, or feeding the homeless- this woman is always taking on an unfathomable amount of responsibility (that no one fully understands how she handles.)

I shot down the maze of one-way streets until we finally reached Moore Square, where there is normally a prevalence of homeless and needy people. To our surprise and apparent misfortune, it was closed for construction. We were disappointed to see that many may have not had a place to go, especially during the recent Hurricane Florence. Thinking now that we should bring the meals to a shelter, we decided to try the bus stop first.

My mom went across to one side and I took the other, walking down the line asking if anyone needed a hot meal. They were all gone within five minutes…

My heart broke as I laid my eyes on desperate families with small children, scabbed drug addicts, underpaid labor workers, the mentally unstable, and those who just can't catch a break- all huddled up under the bit of shelter the bus stop provides. The ones that didn't need a meal did not take one and the ones who did certainly needed it. Some hesitated in disbelief that we were handing out meals with no other intentions. "For free?" and "No donation or signature needed?" were questioned; I was delighted to tell them no. When it was apparent I was running low on bags, some would pass up the offer, knowing the next person needed it more. There was a family of four that my mom gave her last two bags to; the parents gave all the food to their kids and did not eat.

Several sprinted up to us as we were leaving, just to realize we were all out. We regretfully let them down but as sadness crossed over their faces, they still embraced us with love for helping the ones we did. They exclaimed how thankful they were for our deeds, even though they did not receive a thing. We had nothing left to give but kind words, hugs, and support. As we walked back to the car, many chased us down to give thanks while scattered sounds of "God bless you" echoed behind us. The energy under the bus stop had changed. We did not just leave food- we also left reassurance of hope in the world and spread love, during these difficult times.

The entire walk back to the car beyond that was shared in complete silence. As I sat in the driver's seat, I looked over to my mom with teary eyes and a wrinkly face, caused by my frown. She sighed and chokingly whispered, "that was supposed to make us feel better, right?" No other words were needed to agree that we did not feel good at all.

I dropped her off at home before journeying over to the big, white, wealthy, club, where we are members. I dangerously drove in silence, speeding through the neighborhood to take out my anger about the world out on the road. It's crazy to me that I live in a seemingly parallel universe, compared to the other side of the railroad tracks. I felt terrible as I pulled up to go workout at what looks to be like one of the president's vacation homes, surrounded by sheltered airheads.

I started to needlessly hate myself for being privileged while so many people are not. I had done a good deed... so why do I feel like such shit? Thoughts of frustration spiraled around in my head, as I got more and more depressed. I felt as if I still hadn't done nearly enough. I am a "fixer" and the type of person that takes on other people's problems and makes them my own.

For overly-empathetic people like myself, the truth is… there is only so much you can do. It is a hard thought to overcome but once you finally grasp it, it'll make your life a whole lot easier. I still have yet to achieve that mindset, but I am (slowly but surely) working on it. A friend and classmate of mine, Connor Frederiksen, gave me some helpful feedback when I vented to him about my situation. He mentioned that "life isn't fair, and we're only human. The only thing we owe ourselves and others is our best effort. At the end of the day, if we did something that will positively affect our tomorrows, that's what truly matters." This helped put my mind to ease and move on from what I cannot fix, meaning everything out of my control.

Without any previous intention, my mom and I went back the next day with 25 more meals. It was a much more optimistic experience because when we approached the same spot, the energy we left the following day had stayed. We gave out food while exchanging smiles, stories, and conversation with the people at the bus stop. We stayed a bit longer to get to know more of the individuals there who are very like us but had just been dealt a harder hand of cards.

If you have nothing else to give, please spread kindness and love throughout the world- it'll carry on.