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Health and Wellness

February Fears

Sometimes I feel like my mind is a prison.

Shyana Fisher

Mar 12, 2018

New Paltz, New York

279

Google Images

I look into my eyes and I no longer see the bright blue eyes that once stared back. I can’t find the light anymore. This scares me, because a few mere months ago they were shining brighter than they ever had before. Even though my life was far from perfect, I was content. Every day that I see that light diminish brings me one day farther from that happiness. I am terrified that one day I won’t be able to get it back. But for now I am fighting.

I am fighting for my happiness. To find peace within myself, and not rely on any outside source for my stability. I understand that everyone who cares about me is worried, and I can’t truly ease their fears because I can’t ease my mind. It is always racing, thinking of mistakes I made or could make in the future. Either I do anything to quiet my brain and make it shut down or I beg for it to wake up. So I can’t say that I am doing okay. I can’t plaster on a smile and fake a laugh. I am trying so hard to find what I once had, and I will not stop until I succeed. I’m so sorry for making the people around me worry. I have hope, that one day I will shine brighter than ever before, but until then please just be kind.

College isn’t all it's cracked up to be. For me, it is the farthest thing from “the best years of my life." I try so hard every day to find a place that feels comfortable, but everywhere I go brings me farther from who I am inside. I can’t exactly quiet that lingering fear inside that nags at me day in and day out, tells me I am in the wrong place and am becoming unrecognizable to those around me. And this voice is the one that keeps me up night after night.

I will not stop fighting. I cannot stop fighting. I will find myself again eventually. But for now I have to do the best I can to make things better. I find myself filled with gratitude for the people who care enough to stick around. I can only pray that March will bring me peace of mind.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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February Fears

Sometimes I feel like my mind is a prison.

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The struggles of having an RBF are all too real

1. People asking if you're mad at them.

2. Those people who hand out flyers don't always try to stop you.

3. Creepy guys telling you to smile.

4. "I thought you were a bitch when I first met you."

5. People telling you you'd be "so much prettier if you smiled."

6. Doing your makeup and looking great, which somehow intensifies the bitch face.

7. Regularly explaining "it's just my face."

We all go through certain stages when we have a crush, Tina just explains it better.

That moment that someone you never looked twice at suddenly makes you do a double take out of no where.

But you can't have a crush, that's outrageous. It's all in your head.

Because you don't have a crush, there's no reason to tell anyone about anything. Right?

But then they do something irresistible and you start to lose it.

Now accepting the fact you have a crush, you have to keep it under control.

Then there's the part where you tell your friends who will claim they called it.

They'll be excited and cheer you on. That's until they realize that your crush is all you'll be talking about.

Your obsession has become so bad, that your Facebook stalking is getting out of control.

But your friends will try and help move things along any way they can. That doesn't mean it will be any helpful though.

As time goes on, you start having fantasies about the two of you and it's starting to scare you a little.

You can't focus on anything because all your attention is on them and everything they do.

Anybody who comes near your crush is now an enemy, and you are willing to fight for your crush.

When you see them, you act like an idiot. Trying to hide your feelings may not be as discrete as you think.

Keeping your feelings inside will start to be harder and harder until you can't keep it inside anymore.

Who knows, maybe it will work out? Take a chance.

Everybody hurts sometimes.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

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2. You may feel lonely.

3. Senioritis is more real than ever.

4. You may feel a little down sometimes.

5. Fear of missing out won't be as real.

6. You are a college pro.

7. You'll have more free time.

8. You're happy you're still in school.

9. You feel like a guru.

10. You continue to grow.

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