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Fellas, These 8 Features On Your Dating Profile Will Make Any Girl Swipe Left

"thank u, next."

Ilana Mekler

Dec 30, 2018

The Narrative

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Men, if you're looking to meet people, you got to offer a little more than a bland photo and an even more atrocious bio. You're trying to sell yourself, right? If you're stuck in a rut and wondering why things aren't working out for you, here are 8 features you might have in your bio that is deterring you from finding your soulmate:

1. Your picture looks like you took it with a potato

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Seriously, it's either really blurry or very pixelated and just not flattering. Why are your camera angles so bad?! This isn't Myspace!

2. You have a picture with a fish

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It's great that you have this hobby, but it's ALL we see. We get it, you're a provider and are trying to be manly.

3. You don't have anything written in your bio

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If you can't take the time to write something informative about yourself, we're not going to take the time to get to know you. Also, saying "Ask me" or "Add me on Snapchat" doesn't help either.

NEXT.

4. All your pictures are group photos

Giphy

We're not going to spend 15 minutes trying to click through and figure out which one is you. That's too much work. If I wanted to play "Guess Who," I would get it from my closet and invite my friends over for game night, oh, and you're not invited.

5. You have an overused quote, most likely from "The Office"

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"The Office" is an amazing (duh) show, but the whole "I'm looking for the Pam to my Jim" is way overused.

6. All your pictures are far away or you have sunglasses on in every photo

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We can't really see your face nor can we see your eyes. Do you have something to hide? WHO ARE YOU?

7. You're not smiling

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Life isn't always that serious, show us what your smile looks like. Or do you not like to smile because you're actually a serial killer?

I mean, men always like to tell us women to smile all the time. I think it's our turn now.

8. You say "you're just trying to meet new people"

Giphy

OK, but you're on a dating app, emphasis on dating, so tell me how that makes sense. Why don't you join Bumble BFF?

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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Fellas, These 8 Features On Your Dating Profile Will Make Any Girl Swipe Left

"thank u, next."

In This Article:

1. Your picture looks like you took it with a potato

2. You have a picture with a fish

3. You don't have anything written in your bio

4. All your pictures are group photos

5. You have an overused quote, most likely from "The Office"

6. All your pictures are far away or you have sunglasses on in every photo

7. You're not smiling

8. You say "you're just trying to meet new people"

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All names should be "unisex names."

1. Communicating via email can be awkward.

2. Appointments usually accompany weird looks.

3. Introducing yourself to someone is never without a hitch.

4. You’ve probably thought about changing your name.

5. You’re often asked why you have the name you do.

6. You get excited when you meet someone of your gender with your name.

7. You feel awkward when you meet someone of the opposite gender with your name.

8. You’ve had someone say to you, “I knew a [your name], but they were [your opposite gender].”

9. You’ve heard a bad joke/pick-up line or two about your name before.

10. People are surprised when they see you.

11. You’re extra sensitive to other unique or unisex names.

12. You’ve fought with your parents about it.

13. All things considered, you’re happy your name makes you unique.

You know that all of these things apply to you. You'll just never tell.

I get it... I'm pale.

1. At least I can't lose you in a crowd!

2. Oh my goodness your skin is like glow-in-the-dark.

3. Can't you just get fake tan?

4. Do you tan or just burn?

5. Your kids are going to look like Casper the Friendly Ghost!

6. *holds arm against your arm* Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. *holds pale arm against another pale arm* Aw, at least you're darker than her!

8. I laid out by the pool almost every day over break!

9. I haven't used sunscreen since I was, like, five.

10. *adjusts selfie lighting to their face* Oops, where'd you go??

11. *after working out* Your face is SO red!

12. *wears white* Look! You're all one color!

13. You need to get some sun.

14. Aren't you excited for summer?

The struggle bus is real.

1. Child prodigies:

2. Hearing other musicians in the practice room next door and accepting that you will never be as talented as them:

3. That anxiety that takes over before every performance:

4. Taking a million 0 credit classes:

5. When there's a paper due the next day, but you have to attend yet another concert in order to pass a 0 credit class:

6. When your friends try to encourage you after a performance, even though you are criticizing everything in your mind:

7. Knowing that there's always that one professor during juries:

8. The oh-so-attractive band/choir uniforms:

9. Realizing that a college campus is maybe not the best atmosphere to finish your latest composition:

10. Hearing "Oh, you sing opera? I LOVE Phantom of the Opera!" for the hundredth time:

11. When people think finals week is a breeze for you.

12. When you're drowning in the stress that comes with 18+ credits (and not to mention all those 0 credit classes) and people ask you how you are:

13. When it all comes down to it, though, you know that at the end of the day, music is your passion:

We don't buy into these... just like how we don't buy our friends.

8. "The whole philanthropy thing isn't real, right?"

7. "I don't need to buy my friends."

6. "Oh, so I'll bet you love to drink."

5. "Can you tell me some of your secrets?"

4. "What do you do at your meetings?"

3. "Do you guys haze really badly?"

2. "Is it just like in the movies?"

1. "Sororities are so basic."

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6. holds arm against your arm Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. holds pale arm against another pale arm Aw, at least you're darker than her!

10. adjusts selfie lighting to their face Oops, where'd you go??

11. after working out Your face is SO red!

12. wears white Look! You're all one color!