Time doesn’t stand still. Life continues even without you. A lot has changed. I have changed. I’m older, and I sure hope that I’m wiser. No matter how much I change, I always continue to do my best to make you proud. I put on a brave face and act strong when I am going through life’s challenges without you. However, my greatest fear is forgetting you.
It has been over 4 years since the last time I saw you or I heard your voice. I’ll be honest; your voice is not as loud. It is still there. It rings in my ear at random times.
I like to think that it is you speaking to me when I need something extra to push me through, but it only whispers. I fear that I will forget your voice and your laugh because the way you smiled, lit up my world and the room you were in.
With every new thing that I get to experience, it worsens the fear. Learning to drive was great. Graduating was a relief. Becoming an adult was scary, but going to college was on another level.
The fear within me deepens with every accomplishment and joy. I used to believe that I couldn’t be truly happy in a moment because you weren’t here to share them with me. Now, I celebrate, and it scares me.
It terrifies me to think that I could forget the warmth of your embrace when I laid in your arms and the way you could calm me down when no one else could. I fear that one day, I will wake up and I won’t think of you.
I fear that life is becoming normal. It feels too normal without you, and I forget what it is like to have a dad. It is to the point where I am used to not having you around. I plan occasions without you in it. I no longer picture you walking me down the aisle or holding my children. I just know you won’t be there.
Death is complex. It knocks you down while driving you to stand up and continue your life, a new life, without the most important people. It forces you to build a new reality.
It forces us to continue making memories. However, as time goes on, it leaves us forgetting pieces of the person that couldn’t live life with us anymore.
The laughter, the jokes, the voice of my father slowly fades each day. The memories I had will drift farther away, and there aren’t new ones to replace them with.
Forgetting causes pain. I want to remember. I want to cherish the memories and every aspect of who he was. However, life gets in the way. Life makes me busy, and I get caught up in it all.
I forget the pain that losing him caused me, but with that, I also forget the joy that he brought to every morning, birthday, holiday, and moment.
It is the worst feeling knowing that the person who meant everything to you becomes further and further away from you with each thought and moment every single day.
