[fear: as defined by Merriam-Webster online: n. an unpleasant emotion caused by being aware of danger : a feeling of being afraid]
Your heart’s beating so rapidly it feels like it’s just vibration; your stomach is going to collapse under all the pressure and stress your body is putting on it, force feeding the organ until it eventually explodes.
Your palms sweaty with anticipation, the clammy feeling never dissipating after the umpteenth time wiping them back and forth on your thighs; your breath is stuck in your throat, refusing to move and provide enough oxygen to the lungs that, like the rest of your body, is quivering. No, your breathing is shallow and your mind is buzzing with thousands of thoughts a minute and it won’t let up even for a second because suddenly, you’re thinking of all the worst case scenarios of a situation and how if your heart would just stop the vibration then all of these things happening will, too.
This is fear. It’s not the feeling of being anxious or just being scared. It’s not adrenaline overtaking your blood and pumping through your body. This is the bone chilling, nightmare inducing reaction resulting from going far to face with the one thing that can reduce the mightiest man to a coward. This is fear.
It’s a shapeshifter, coming in different sizes and colors, with different faces and personas. It’s the kind of feeling that makes your feet suddenly anchor themselves to the floor and even though your body is screaming, begging, pleading with you to pull yourself away from the spot you’re rooted to, you can’t move. It’s concrete being poured in your person until you can’t even move yourself and your physical weight is too heavy. Fear is your hair standing on end, goosebumps mobbing every inch of your skin, petrified.
We’re all afraid of something, even if we don’t admit it. There are people in my life who have the usual fears: anything that crawls, the dark, the monster in your closet. Yet, there are things that are physically unable to be touched that people can’t even stand the thought of, like being alone, lack of love, failure.
I will be the first to admit my faults, my fears and my mistakes. The list of things tangible and intangible that I fear is insurmountable and in some cases, I am a coward. But like with most things, I wear a brave face, one of courage and nerve because the things that make me afraid are just more things that make me unique and make me braver. I can proudly say that I fear many things in this world that are not in the least bit horrifying. Then again, I am a very special child.
All in all, fear is not to be confused with different emotions. It’s very distinct and precise, a specific feeling you’ll know if you ever experience it. My challenge this week does not pertain to fear, however. Do one thing that scares you. Nothing that will cause a psychological breakdown or question your mental state, but just an action that you deem scary. Maybe it will make you feel better about yourself, more courageous. Who knows, the world is an interesting place.
Just a reflection this week as I personally face one of the worst possible things that could happen to the world of fears, which is this clown epidemic that is suddenly overtaking the whole of Pennsylvania and beyond.
If you’re not up to date, there are people who are dressing up as clowns and harassing others, luring children into wooded areas and going so far as to stabbing a teenager (Reading, PA). Now, clowns are one of my biggest fears, not that that’s abnormal, but the thought that these clowns could possibly be making their way to our campus instills the worst kind of feeling in me imaginable. Let me know how you feel about this.
Until next time, don’t let fear get the better of you. Do something that scares you. Someone get these clowns out of here.
XX
