Let’s be honest we all have our fears. Some might be completely feasible and others outstandingly irrational. Like I’m afraid of heights, which I believe is completely fine. I’m not hugging the wall every time I go to the empire state building, but I am just a bit uncomfortable. But a fear of mine that people seem to find completely irrational is my fear of randomly being punched in the face by undisputed champion boxer Mike Tyson.

This guy right here

Terrifying, am I right? People tell me I’m crazy but I’m not. This guy is very terrifying. Just imagine getting punched by him. In the age of lunatics like Conor McGregor running amok people seem to not be focusing on boxing so much anymore. But Mr. Tyson is and always will be the champ. Lemme tell ya… I like him a lot and all, but I don’t think I’d really want to spend time with him. He seems like a nice guy and all, but what if I make him angry? Then I’d be pretty f@##ed!

People often go, “Tom, you’re almost a grown-ass man now, you need to get over this Tyson thing once and for all! It’s stunting you from growing up!” I have tried over and over. I’m not a wimp, this is totally feasible. Sure I tend to have night terrors over this and don’t go out in public most days because of fearing running into Mike Tyson (Hey you never know! New Paltz is a popular place). So many sleepless nights….

Check this out:

Now look at those and tell me that you aren’t scared. If you say you aren’t you’re a liar. I’ve tried getting help before. Psychologists tend to just laugh me out of the room or ask a lot of questions about my parents. Most bodyguards I’ve tried to hire have either forwarded me to a psychologist were also too afraid to even fathom the idea of taking on Iron Mike, or were great friends/admirers of him.

Iron Mike has become a sort of enigma; an internet meme. He’s become a man of mystery. He even goes out and solves mysteries in his spare time. No joke, he does it for free. What if he were just to appear out of nowhere and give a no-nonsense technical knockout blow to my temple? I’d rather be safe than sorry.

So I’m going to give a point to this rambling article so I can stay on the writing staff. We all have our zany and ridiculous phobias, but we can’t let them get a hold of us. Never forget my cardinal rule: Don’t be a dick. We’re all nervous about our place in life, but we need to just stay calm and look at the good in our lives. So despite all that self-help mumbo jumbo, I still am really afraid of ever meeting Mr. Tyson even though I think he’s a great athlete and a funny man.