There’s been a hubbub surrounding FBI Director James Comey’s recommendation not to charge Hillary Clinton for her email shenanigans. Less of a hubbub actually and more of a cacophonous explosion of discontent striking waves across all reaches of the internet. The people are virtually rioting. In the virtual streets. The uproar is understandable, but I fear it has overshadowed the more important issue: sure, Hillary may have dealt less than admirably with her classified emails, but what about her spam?

We’ve all been so blinded by the “top secret” and “highly classified” that nobody is asking the big questions: has Hillary Clinton ever had the opportunity to claim a free iPad 2? How many trips to Barbados has she stumbled upon by blind luck? What exactly is the nature of her relationship with the Nigerian royal family?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m just as concerned about the security of military operations and international decisions as the next guy, but I’m understandably more worried about whether or not Hillary has renewed her subscription, or whether she would like to. You know the one

Sure, I get it, it’s hip to yell about government corruption and distrust, but am I seriously the only one who wants to know if Secretary Clinton is interested in penile enlargement pills? Or if she’s considered methods to slim down her belly fat in three short steps? My fear is that the media buzz has halted the American public’s ability to focus on the issues that really matter here.

At the end of the day, who cares about Clinton’s handling of national security issues when she could have found single Asian women within 11 miles? There’s a natural prioritizing that has been entirely neglected in this instance, which I see as just one more way the establishment is seeking to suppress public awareness. It is our right as U.S. citizens to stand up and demand our right to know which webcam sites have been soliciting the former Secretary of State.

And for all those of you who believed Senator Bernie Sanders was our white knight in the fight against corporate government oppression, I’m afraid I have sad news. “Sick and tired of hearing about your damn emails,” eh? Sounds an awful lot like a pitiful ploy at distraction from Hillary’s lucky winner status. That’s right, I’m afraid our friend from Vermont was nothing more than another plant to hide Hillary’s attempts to erase her debts completely with no future payments.

If it’s a political revolution you want, speak out for what really matters. Demand to see the spam. Don’t settle for a farce of irresponsibility and national endangerment. After all, no reasonable prosecutor would be concerned by any of that, so why should we? Instead, let’s tackle the tough matters at hand. I mean, if we don’t know Hillary Clinton’s one weird trick to gain three inches, we may as well toss our whole political process in the trash.