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What Your Favorite Sale Valentine’s Day Candy Says About You

For all those singles that are ready to be knee-deep in chocolate.

Alex Cwiok

Feb 21, 2017

Cambridge, Massachusetts

What Your Favorite Sale Valentine’s Day Candy Says About You

Indesign arts and crafts

Singles Awareness Day has finally passed and now it is time to bear the fruits of our labor, fellow comrades. Valentine’s Day can bring a mix of emotions, from loneliness to bitterness to slashing your dumb ex’s dumb tires. For those of us that don’t have anyone to buy us candy, the “holiday” can be a bit unbearable. But alas, the Valentine’s Day Sale is upon us, and it’s time to head out and buy your favorite sale candy. Go forth and spend, my singles.

Here’s what your favorite sale candy says about you:

Heart-shaped Milk Chocolates

You’re a minimalist. You enjoy the simple things in life; milk chocolate, cheap candy, chomping on hearts pretending they’re real. Try breaking them in half first for some extra fun.

Heart-Shaped Dark Chocolates

You like your chocolates like your love life: dark. Dark chocolate is beneficial for your mind and your health because of the antioxidants it contains, so be sure to eat plenty of it before you plan your revenge against that guy or gal that broke your Sith Lord heart. Oh, and if you eat dark chocolate consistently, you’ll outlive them.

Small Heart-Shaped Box of Variety Candy

You like a little fun, but you know how to control yourself. Extravagant gestures aren’t your thing, so you like to show yourself a little love without going overboard. This is the Volvo of chocolates; safe, affordable, and probably no one will want to steal it.

Big Heart-Shaped Box of Variety Candy

You know how to treat yourself and you know nobody else is gonna do it for you. You grab life by the peanut clusters and don’t take “nougat” for an answer. You’re not afraid to drop a pretty penny on a pretty dime such as yourself. Make sure to bag up those heinous orange-filled chocolates and leave them on your ex’s doorstep.

Ghirardelli Variety Box

Wow, someone must have really done that heart dirty to be splurging on the ‘Delli. Ghirardelli is what Elon Musk eats when he needs some sugar, and what makes you so different from the smartest billionaire alive, goshdarnit. You have a taste for the finer things in life and won’t settle for generic store brands. Call your bank ahead of time and tell them it’s not a fraudulent charge, it’s just Valentine’s Day.

Marshmallow Filled Heart

Really? It’s 25 cents, you deserve better.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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What Your Favorite Sale Valentine’s Day Candy Says About You

For all those singles that are ready to be knee-deep in chocolate.

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No one best represents the struggle like our favorite 90s squad.

1. When course schedules are released and you have a conflict between two required classes.

2. When there is only one section of a popular course.

3. Receiving the 18,000 emails reminding you to register ASAP.

4. When you need to see an advisor, but they are too busy/unresponsive.

5. Trying not to dress like a bum for your appointments with your advisors/department heads.

6. When you have a perfectly planned out schedule, and one class ruins it.

7. Carefully moving things around to accommodate a different class/section.

8. Waking up at 6:00 a.m. for your enrollment time.

9. Concocting a new schedule at your enrollment time after your original plan gets changed.

10. Getting into a class and filling the last available seat.

11. When all of your classes finally go through.

12. Realizing that you forgot a class that was a pre-requisite for everything else.

When your capability of "adulting" is put to the test

Nobody deserves to be living in poverty.

"Nobody living in one of the most influential nations in the world should be worried about making ends meet."

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What are the benefits of raising the minimum wage?

What are the states that have set a $15/hour minimum wage?

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4. When it's 2 AM and you remember you have a test tomorrow.

5. When you finish taking the test and you're pretty sure you failed...

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7. When you've been up for 12 hours straight writing a paper.

8. And then you manage to stay awake in class the next day.

9. When you have to butter up your professor for an extra credit opportunity.

10. When you're assigned a group project.

11. And your group-mates are trying to chat about life instead of the assignment.

12. When it's your last class of the day and you're about to go home.

13. But then you remember rent is due tonight and the anger comes back.

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