Singles Awareness Day has finally passed and now it is time to bear the fruits of our labor, fellow comrades. Valentine’s Day can bring a mix of emotions, from loneliness to bitterness to slashing your dumb ex’s dumb tires. For those of us that don’t have anyone to buy us candy, the “holiday” can be a bit unbearable. But alas, the Valentine’s Day Sale is upon us, and it’s time to head out and buy your favorite sale candy. Go forth and spend, my singles.

Here’s what your favorite sale candy says about you:

Heart-shaped Milk Chocolates

You’re a minimalist. You enjoy the simple things in life; milk chocolate, cheap candy, chomping on hearts pretending they’re real. Try breaking them in half first for some extra fun.

Heart-Shaped Dark Chocolates

You like your chocolates like your love life: dark. Dark chocolate is beneficial for your mind and your health because of the antioxidants it contains, so be sure to eat plenty of it before you plan your revenge against that guy or gal that broke your Sith Lord heart. Oh, and if you eat dark chocolate consistently, you’ll outlive them.

Small Heart-Shaped Box of Variety Candy

You like a little fun, but you know how to control yourself. Extravagant gestures aren’t your thing, so you like to show yourself a little love without going overboard. This is the Volvo of chocolates; safe, affordable, and probably no one will want to steal it.

Big Heart-Shaped Box of Variety Candy

You know how to treat yourself and you know nobody else is gonna do it for you. You grab life by the peanut clusters and don’t take “nougat” for an answer. You’re not afraid to drop a pretty penny on a pretty dime such as yourself. Make sure to bag up those heinous orange-filled chocolates and leave them on your ex’s doorstep.

Ghirardelli Variety Box

Wow, someone must have really done that heart dirty to be splurging on the ‘Delli. Ghirardelli is what Elon Musk eats when he needs some sugar, and what makes you so different from the smartest billionaire alive, goshdarnit. You have a taste for the finer things in life and won’t settle for generic store brands. Call your bank ahead of time and tell them it’s not a fraudulent charge, it’s just Valentine’s Day.

Marshmallow Filled Heart

Really? It’s 25 cents, you deserve better.