Dear "Father" Who Taught Me Not To Trust:

I have imagined writing to you for a long time, not because I want you back in my life but because I felt you should know how I feel.

It shouldn't surprise you that your letter is the first one. I guess most people would assume that it should be last but I'm not most people. You see, this letter isn't for you but for me. I have the most to say to you because you were the first man to break my heart. Do you want to know a little secret? You are the only man whom I let break my heart.

Thanks to the trust issues left over from you, I have been too scared to let any other man see the true me.

I guess for me, it's clear as daylight as to why I wouldn't want to give myself to anyone. I guess to me it makes sense why I must protect my heart constantly. I guess to me it makes sense as to why I'm attracted to older men. I guess to me it's no surprise that I would freak out when any man tries to take it too far.

I guess it all makes sense to me because I am the one who lives with the constant sense of fear left behind from you. I guess it would never make sense you.

When people bring you up in conversations I literally cringe. Thinking about you makes me feel sick. I never know what to call you; what do you call the man who helped give "you" life but wants nothing to do with you?

I usually refer to you as the sperm donor, it's easier to think of you as that than as my father who just didn't want me. You would be surprised to think of how much thoughts of you pop into my mind. It's not because I like thinking about you, quite the opposite. You are constantly in my head because I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder. If you don't know what that is, I suggest you Google it and maybe take a second and think about what it means to me.

Think about the fact that my anxiety had me hospitalized for 18 days when I was in elementary school. While most little girls want their "daddy," mine was locked up because he is nothing but worthless scum. I want to say that I have completely forgiven you for that but as we can both tell I haven't. I haven't forgiven you for a lot of things and for once it's not your fault. Even if it were- you wouldn't think it was.

I haven't forgiven you...

... for marrying my mom while you had another child on the way. I haven't forgiven you for stealing, lying, and cheating. I haven't forgiven you for making my mama love scum like you. I haven't forgiven you for almost all of your sons after you. I haven't forgiven you for letting my half-sister's mother use my name as my sister's middle name.

I haven't forgiven you...

... for walking out on us. I haven't forgiven you for going to prison. I haven't forgiven you for not helping raise me and my brother. I haven't forgiven you for missing out on everything. I haven't forgiven you for making me cry because I would never have a father.

I haven't forgiven you...

... for letting all of your family treat my brother and I like trash. I haven't forgiven you for acting like we no longer exist. I haven't forgiven you for breaking my heart before I even knew it could be broken. My question is though, how can I forgive you when it still hurts me?

The more I write, the more I feel. The more I realize that some of these feelings that I thought were directed at you are directed at myself. I'm not saying that you aren't to blame for most of these feelings because the reason I'm feeling most of it is that of you. The things I ask myself most nights are because of you.

Am I so unloveable that even my "father" had to leave? Am I so ugly that he wants his prettier daughter? Why am I always the second female picked? Why can't I come in first?

Why do I question everything a man wants to do for me? Why do I always think he has some ulterior motive? Why do I want to go further than kissing but when I let a man touch me I feel like I'm going to pass out from anxiety? Why do I always live on the safe side of everything?

The biggest question I ask myself is how did I let a man who left when I was toddler dictate who I am when he doesn't even care?

How can I trust someone not to hurt me as you did? How can I trust that I won't be used and thrown away like some two-cent homewrecker? How can I ever trust any man when I'm scared to trust myself?

I have more questions for you than anything. I have so much to say to you and I have a feeling this will be the first of many letters about you. I just want one question answered, though; how could you hurt a baby's heart so bad that at 20 she still hasn't fixed it?

I was an innocent child caught in the webs of hurt, betrayal, lies, cheating, and scandals that you call your life. That isn't a place for anyone, especially a baby.

If you ever read this, please just take one thing from all that you have done to me: please don't let another innocent child get caught up in the shipwreck life you live.

–A Girl Whose Heart Is Still Broken