We awesome, overweight and obese people know at least one thin woman who thinks she’s fat. Of course, our first action when she spews her disgust for her body is to remonstrate her feelings. Isn’t it just a massive eye-rolling experience when someone with a gorgeous thin body thinks they’re fat? Is it too far-fetched to believe that a girl or woman who is a size two or ten would have body issues? In our society, no. What’s worse is we are a terrible friend when we diminish their feelings; much like when our skinny friends do it to us.
We live in a society that is chock full of body shamers. Every single day we have photoshopped images of what the ideal female body looks like flashed at us on TV, social media, billboards and in magazines; and those are just a small handful of places we find these mentally destructive images.
The constant bombardment of body shaming and fallacious ideal body images conditions us to feel ashamed of our bodies.
There is enormous pressure to be thin. Just watch any entertainment or celebrity standard show, such as E! or TMZ. If a size 00 female celebrity gains a weight and is suddenly a size 0 or 2, she is torn apart over her body. How many times have you watched one of those shows and wondered; where’s the fat? I mean did her belly swell up because she had half an apple at lunch? Many times, these weight flaws are exaggerated and cruelly exposed by the media’s mean crowd.
The constant bombardment of body shaming and fallacious ideal body images conditions us to feel ashamed of our bodies. It affects the way we look, our eating habits, and exercise routines. It’s no worse for us than it is for a thin woman. When you think of it, a size 10 compared to a size 0 can appear quite large. We are a society where body dysmorphia is the new norm.
What is body dysmorphia? According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, it is, “pathological preoccupation with an imagined or slight physical defect of one's body to the point of causing significant stress or behavioral impairment in several areas (as work and personal relationships),” (merriam-webster.com). Sound familiar? It should because as overweight and obese people this tends to happen to us. Can you name one day where your weight or your eating habits didn’t fill your head with self-loathing, doubt, insecurity, or any other number of negative emotions?
I’ve been battling the bulge for decades, and I can honestly say, every day I battle with some negative pre-occupation with my appearance. This preoccupation has led me to binge eat, skip multiple meals, and over exercise. I’ve also become depressed to the point of not being able to get out of bed and have feelings of worthlessness, and many more negative reactions due to the size and shape of my body.
This behavior is no different from a thin person who is battling the same social disease we suffer. How do you feel when people shame you for your body? Did you stop to think maybe she was shamed for her body today? Just because someone has a smaller body doesn’t mean they have a stronger emotional quotient. She could be in as much pain as you are.
The mental disorders that our social conditioning has created lead to destructive behaviors are hard to avoid and even harder to end once they've started.
Worse, her dysmorphia could lead to destructive behaviors such as binge eating, bulimia or anorexia. The mental disorders that our social conditioning has created lead to destructive behaviors are hard to avoid and even harder to end once they've started. We live in a hyper-commercialized world where even if you turned off your television, radio, and computer; you would still be bombarded with advertising all day. According to Ron Marshall's article, How Many Ads Do You See In a Day, the average person sees between 4,000 and 10,000 advertisements per day. There is no way for any of us to avoid these photoshopped images of unattainable beauty.
Still, the media is not completely to blame. There are also psychological predispositions that can cause a person to believe they are fat. According to the American Psychological Association, a predisposition to an eating disorder can include symptoms of depression, such as low self-esteem and emotions of helplessness. It could also be familial pre-dispositioning or treatment. They could be dealing with body image abuse at home. She might feel pressure from her yoga class, gym or sports team to drop more pounds. Finally, there are also traumatic events that cause people to gain weight like rape or childbirth.
As overweight and obese people we should be able to relate to these issues. Many of us gained weight and turned to unhealthy eating habits for the same reasons. So why are we harsh on people we view as thin when they think they are fat? Are we so hurt that we are preoccupied only with our own self-image woes? Can we not see and value a person thinner than us who needs the same encouragement and camaraderie as we do?
It's possible that this thin person we are looking at, judging as foolhardy for feeling the same emotions we do could be spiraling down the same path or even the opposite, but the still destructive path of food and nutritional deprivation. We need to take these women, teens, and girls seriously. If you could have saved yourself from the path of destructive eating habits that led to your overweight or obese body. Would you? You know you would. So, do what you wish someone had done for you. Follow that annoying Golden Rule and extend your hand in friendship and health.
Don’t just accept their feelings. Be their “I’m there for you” buddy. Actively listen to them as they talk about why they think they are fat. Listening gives you the opportunity to compassionately interact in a manner that will not only benefit your friend but you as well.
Active listening isn’t just listening like you’re a brick wall. To participate in active listening is to listen with purpose and process what the other is saying. After you have processed what was said, respond in a way that is appropriate to the message they gave you. You don’t have to repeat word for word what they said, but your response should include a meaningful message that conveys you understand what they say. When you get to the point where you share some of your experiences, make sure they are relative and that you’re not trying to one-up your friend. By doing so, you will have created a cathartic discussion that could help you as much as it helps your friend.
Sometimes when you’re listening to a friend talk about their self-loathing, body issues, and eating habits it’s obvious that they need more than a friend. It could be you who needs to be that person to help them realize they need professional help.
You could also offer to be a food buddy or a workout buddy with them. The two of you could get together and create your meal plans, and go grocery shopping for healthy foods together. Why not plan and throw food prep parties where you get together with a bunch of friends, and each person takes a step in preparing food items and meals. These prepared easy to use items or meals can either be containerized and divided amongst each other for later use, or be prepared as meals that can then be taken home and frozen for fast, easy, healthy meals later in the week.
If you both don’t like going to the gym maybe you and she can meet up to walk or jog together. Maybe you both like roller skating, and there’s a skate park nearby. I can tell you from experience, roller skating the wave is a rush, but not as fun as skating the bowl. Then again maybe you both want to try a yoga class and can do it together, or you do like the gym and want to do a HIIT or Zumba class. You can create a more powerful friendship, and all it took was a desire to get healthier together.
Sometimes when you’re listening to a friend talk about their self-loathing, body issues, and eating habits it’s obvious that they need more than a friend. It could be you who needs to be that person to help them realize they need professional help. Maybe it makes you realize that you need the same. Don’t be aggressive about it. Nothing builds a wall faster than a friend forcing an intervention or a hard-to-swallow version of reality on the person they want to help. Be gentle and show true caring for the person, if and when you feel it is necessary.
As overweight and obese people we often wish there was someone somewhere that would be there for us. Your skinny friend who thinks she’s fat feels the same way. When people speak their pain, their frustration, they are reaching out for help whether it is conscious or subconscious. Let’s not turn others away, in the same manner; we feel we are rejected. Don’t belittle one's feelings because your idea of beauty is different from theirs. If we do, we’re no better than the body shamers who hurt us.
