Fashion Jesus (n.)

[fash-uh n jee-zuh s]

FAQS (Frequently Asked Questions)

Who is Fashion Jesus?

A prophet of the first century of our era; the Messiah sent by God to save the human race from [fashion] sin inherited through the Fall of Man.

What does Fashion Jesus look like?

Why should I care about Fashion Jesus?

It’s simple. If you follow Fashion Jesus’ 10 simple commandments, you can be saved—born again into a life free of fashion sin and ensuing regret.

What are his ten commandments?

Glad you asked.

1. Thou shalt not over-accessorize

Keep it simple. Wearing heaps of jewelry (no matter how much it cost) looks cheap and tacky. As Coco Chanel once said, "Once you've dressed, and before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take at least one thing off."

2. Thou shalt not forget your bra

Kendall had a hard time with this one.

Jesus' face reflects what we were all thinking that day we saw way more of Kendall Jenner than we ever bargained for. Although we seem to be at the peak of the "you don't need to wear a bra if you're smaller than a C" era, I think we can all agree that nipples should not make an appearance in the broad of daylight.

3. Thou shall dress for the body thou has, not the body thou wants to have

That finger is about to start wagging.

There are plenty of outfit choices that flatter every body type, and it's important to remember that what looks good on a size 2 doesn't necessarily look good on a size 8; that what a curvy girl can pull off, a stick thin girl might not be able to, etc.

4. Thou shalt avoid panty lines at all costs

"What are you doing!"

The panty line rule is as old as time, but it still gets broken everyday. Seriously, people, seamless underwear is a wonderful thing.

5. Thou shalt own going out dresses that do not all look like this:

Yeah, yeah, we get it. Black is slimming plus it's the color of your soul so it's all you wear. But I can't be the only person bored of seeing every girl out looking like they got dressed together.

6. Thou shalt not wear camo

(yes, even if you're from Boyertown).

The fishnet top is also a no.

See that stinkeye? That's a clear indication that camo print should be confined to the woods and army barracks.

7. Thou shalt not wear mid-waist belts with pants

"Stop, I've seen enough."

Obviously the argument for this trend is that belts around your top cinch you in and draw attention to your waist/make it look smaller. But really, what is the point of wearing a belt around your shirt when you're wearing pants that have belt loops? It just looks like you forget where the loops were when you got dressed. Midriff belts look OK when you're wearing a dress or a romper, but that's about it.

8. Thou shalt keep "prints mixing" to a minimum

"Bitch, no."

Contrary to what your Seventeen magazine is probably telling you, mixing prints is usually not a good idea. Sure, if you find the right prints to do it with and/or you're Sarah Jessica Parker (pictured below), it might work out. But for the most part, it ends up looking like your closet ate too many boldly patterned/of-the-moment trends and threw up on you.

SJP, I commend you for your ability to make everything you wear look like the cover of a Vogue magazine.

9. Thou shalt not dress like a cheap whore

Stay tuned for embarrassing Internet photos of Rita Ora's vagina.

If you want to show off your boobs, or your legs, or your butt, great. Go for it. But I don't recommend showing them all off at the same time. Sounds like Fashion Jesus took a page from real Jesus' book on this one. Keep it classy!!

10. Thou shalt not underestimate the power of Spanx

If there's one thing we can learn from Kim Kardashian, it's this.

No Spanx:

Spanx (the Kim K special):

Fashion Jesus approves!

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Just like the actual ten commandments, the ten fashion commandments apply to pretty much all walks of life, no matter how old you are or what you like to wear. So the next time you find yourself pondering the idea of not wearing a bra in public, or absentmindedly pulling leggings over a pair of boy shorts, just ask yourself the old bible school classic, WWFJD—What Would Fashion Jesus Do?