Fan theories. Like nipples, they are rarely perfect and I see way too many of them.

I wasn't always opposed to them. In fact, I used to thoroughly enjoy them. But then on one fateful day, my growing hate for fan theories came to a peak when I was mindlessly perusing the depths of Facebook and stumbled upon a fan theory proclaiming that Hans from Frozen was really a mirror. A mirror. Now I didn't read the theory. The title alone nearly made me spontaneously combust. So it very well could have been an insightful theory, but I don't care. I seriously doubt that Pixar people were sitting around a table one day and thought, "You know what? Let's create a character whose essence is so obscure that the only person who will get it is some tumblr-er two years from now."

And this is far from out of the ordinary. There are numerous fan theories that tug my beard. For example, there are the ones that say Gandalf meant to fly to Mordor on the giant Eagles, or that Jack Dawson didn't actually exist but was merely a coping mechanism for Rose. Really? A coping mechanism? If Jack doesn't exist, whose Titanic was in Rose's Atlantic during that automobile scene?

Now, I realize this article won't stop the onslaught of ludicrous fan theories. So as the saying goes, "if you can't beat them join them." Therefore, by using convenient generalizations to jump to highly improbable conclusions, I have formulated my own fan theory for why Darth Vader is really... a wardrobe.

Just hear me out.

When Luke gets knocked unconscious by the Tuskan Raider, the part of his brain that distinguishes his father from wardrobes was damaged. So what he thinks is his father, is really a wardrobe. If you don't believe me just look at Vader's outfit: tall boots, a cloak, thick leather gloves, and a kind of ski mask- all things you would find in a stereotypical winter wardrobe. Coincidence? Most likely.

At this point, you may be thinking to yourself, "Nick, you idle-headed barnacle, if Vader is a wardrobe then how did he throw the Emperor into that main reactor shaft?"

To which I would say that is just what Luke's delusional mind perceived to have happened. What really happened was the emperor was so focused on electrocuting Luke that he forgot where his wardrobe was and accidentally stubbed his toe on it. And then, rather than face that infernal pain, he just pitched himself off the platform into the luminous chasm below. And I mean, who can blame him? Stubbed toes are the wooooooorst.

I realize I just threw a lot of earth shattering info at you. So I'll leave now and let you mull it over. Just think about it. I haven't.