Under the sad circumstance of my Aunt Linda's death, my cousin helped me book a trip to Atwater California where my mother grew up and her family resides. I was extremely nervous to see these family members again. What if they don't like me? What if they don't remember me? what if they feel like I don't belong? These were the questions running through my mind as I flew from New York To Fresno. I met my cousin Frank E. During a layover in Dallas. Being reunited with the one blood relative I have left on my mom's side was incredible. Apparently, it shocked him because I look just like my Nana Ross. He knew it was me once he saw the rose on my ankle "That's my Janine Rose" he thought to himself.
As we flew from Dallas to Fresno we caught up on many aspects of our lives. I was surprised to find how much he paid attention to what I've said to him over the phone and through facebook, he really cared. This eased my anxiety some. I asked him about all the people we were going to meet and how we were related. There was my Uncle Jeff who everyone refers to as Papa Jeff, his wife/my Aunt Linda who had just passed away, and his three children Michelle, Lisa, and Jeff; as well as their spouses and children. My Uncle was pretty much adopted into the family by my Nana Ross, and I would come to find that although we are not related by blood, we are related by love.
When I first got to California and saw the palm trees I knew why my mom loved it there so much. The air was crisp and temperate. Frank E. and I drove to Fresno in a sports car that he rented for no other reason than he could. it was late but we were passing all these places I had never seen Carl's JR, In and Out Burger, Jack in the box, and a few others I can't remember. I was happy to be somewhere new and ready to meet those I lost touch with.
We arrived at Jeff and his wife's Angie's house where we all hopped into Jeff's car and drove to Jack in The Box. I met their two children Brooklyn (age 14ish) and Zander (Age 17ish). They made me feel right at home and welcomed me with open arms. They both said I looked exactly like my Nana Ross. Personally, I can't see it from photos but maybe you just had to see her in person to know her face. The next day we would run errands and prepare for Aunt Linda's services.
(Aunt Linda and Nana Ross)
( Zander, Jeff, Me, Brooklyn, And Angie)
Frank E. was nothing but generous the entire trip he even took us to the grocery store and got all of our favorite snacks and drinks. We went to see my Uncle Jeff that day and he had no idea I was coming to California. I knocked on the door, came into his room, and when he saw me and I said who I was all he could say was "oh my goodness" and "wow". I had grown so much since he last saw me in person. I hope I brought him a little joy at this time of sorrow. This is where I also met my cousin Michelle. When I asked her if she knew who I was, she thought to herself for a second and said "You're my Aunt Ellen's daughter Janine!" and that made me so happy that I wasn't forgotten. Her children are Zeb (age 21ish) Kaylie (age 17ish) and Zeth (age 7ish).
Frank E. brought Brooklyn, Angie, a family friend whose name I cannot recall, and myself out to get pedicures as a way to bond and relax. He got his toes painted blue! It was nice to do something that I would have done with my mom in California. She always loved being all dolled up hair, nails, makeup, and the whole 9 yards. Seeing Atwater and driving around the town she lived in for so long was surreal. I kept thinking to myself "has she been there?" "what were her favorite spots?" "would any of the locals remember her?" I was anticipating seeing her grave later in the week. It was just something I needed to do. Later on we left for Lisa's house where the reception would be held to help set up.
When Lisa and I saw each other she began to cry. Memories of my mother, my Nana, and my late brother Craig came rushing through her mind. She had lost so many people. She kept saying "We lost all these years but now we have a chance to reconnect." Her reaction to seeing me put me at ease. "These people are happy to have me, and really love me" I thought.
(Lisa and Myself)
(Uncle Jeff and Myself)
The next day we woke up and got ready for Aunt Linda's services. It was a sad day. I wept throughout the service from the pain I saw my family in, and the longing I had for my own mother and father. Funeral services are always difficult but I'm so glad they have such a good community in Atwater. The number of people that came to the service made it known that Aunt Linda and her family are very loved, and for good reasons.
During my short time in California, I came to learn that my family is full of characters. There is My Uncle Jeff the good ole' 60's-70's era, weed lovin, Vietnam Veteran. He has stories that go on for days. He'll tell you anything about anyone that you want to know. He's got nothing but love and peace in his heart. He will stop at nothing to make sure you're okay. He even offered me a place to stay if I ever wanted to move to Atwater.
Then there is his only son Jeff. The one thing that stood out to me about him was how caring and loving he is. He works as a corrections officer so you'd expect him to be really tough which he is(on the outside). When I had mentioned in passing that I don't really have much family he came up to me later and made sure I knew that I did there in California whenever I needed them. That made me feel more loved and welcomed than I ever expected to. He made sure to tell me that I belonged in my mother's family and I know my mom is grateful he said that because I would have continued to feel like an awkward outsider if he hadn't. Jeff's wife Angie is the toughest woman I have ever met. She seems to deal with everybody's shit with ease and I commend her for it. Her personality made me feel stronger. She stopped at nothing to make sure I felt comfortable in her home and that I was able to find what I came looking for. She helped locate old photos and belongings of my mother that I never knew existed and I am so grateful to her for that.
Jeff's sister Michelle is very fun-loving she does whatever she can to make sure people are having a good time. She lives with my Uncle Jeff and does her best to take care of him. Every time I saw her she made sure to give me a really tight hug, and that sure made me feel her love. I didn't get to spend much time with her, but I look forward to in the future.
Their sister Lisa lives with her husband and 2 daughters (Kindall age 16ish and Kayden age 14ish) in Merced about 20 minutes from Uncle Jeff, Michelle, Jeff, and Angie In Atwater. She has a beautiful home for gatherings where she welcomes everyone with open arms. She was extraordinarily kind and empathetic. The night I stayed at her house, I felt nothing but love and comfort. She did whatever she could to remind me that I was always welcome. We shared stories about our lives, and memories of those we lost. It was exactly the kind of night I needed. To connect with someone who had felt the same losses I had and been able to share with me what I would have never known otherwise. She's a strong resilient woman. She was very close with my late brother Craig, and I know he's happy that we've created a strong bond.
Last but not least is my cousin Frank E. He is one of the most eccentric people I have ever met. A constant jokester. He is so loving and generous. He would do anything for anyone in need whom he felt was deserving. A truly good man.He's the reason I came to California, and I know that everyone is ever so grateful to him for that my mother and myself including. He's someone worthy of trust and love. I'm so happy to know him again.
I didn't get to spend much time with my younger cousins, but I am grateful that they all have each other. Even if they tend to fight sometimes. They've grown up almost like siblings and if my mother were alive I would've grown up being their cool older cousin. There are so many things we could've done together. But I can't live in the past what matters now is that I have the opportunity to be a good influence on them and share new experiences moving forward.
(Myself, Frank E, and Michelle)
(Kaylee, Kindall, Kayden, Me, and Brooklyn)
A part of me is so angry that I missed out on so much time with this side of my family. All these years I had family with whom I could have made so many memories with, and felt the love of in my time of need. Just hidden in a small town in California. Although that time has been lost, I am ever so grateful for the time I've gained. The memories that will be made. Who knows maybe one day I'll move out there and lived the life my mother wanted me to. Lisa kept mentioning these odd coincidences that happened. As one family member died, another was pregnant. One life lost, one life gained. Even though no one is pregnant this time (to my knowledge) we each gained a rekindled connection. One death brought us apart but another death brought us together again.
Ever since my mom had passed I was young I felt this overwhelming need to visit her grave. I guess that's where I thought I would be with her. As I started the trip I had an overwhelming feeling that I was going to see my mother again, and I did. I saw my mother in each and every one of my family members. I saw her In the love they poured over me. In the stories that were told, in the photos that were found, and in the hugs that were shared.The fact that they stopped at nothing to make sure I felt like I belonged meant that my mother, Nana, and brother gave to them the same love they were sharing with me. I can't thank my cousin Frank E. enough for what he's done for us. We may be separated by distance now, but a part of my heart will always be with them in California, and I can't wait to see them again.
(Gravesite of my Grandmother, Brother, And mother)
(My Mother Ellen M. Baltzer)
