When I was younger, I found it hard to say no. It was so hard for me because I wanted to make all of you happy and I placed your happiness above my own. I did whatever you said and wanted. If anything was happening at church, I was the first to sign up because I wanted to make you happy. I played sports and injured myself trying to make you proud. I dealt with the countless yelling about "practice makes perfect" and me getting out of bed bright and early every morning to practice hitting a softball when I'd much rather be cuddled in bed with a book.
During the divorce, I was the most vulnerable and susceptible to your influence. I mean, I was only eleven and had no idea how to function on my own, but when I turned twelve, I saw that you had no control over me anymore. There were no strings on me and I grew up and began to break out and become my own person. That didn't last long, maybe about a week and I was right back to being a puppet.
I allowed teachers to make decisions for me in high school and force me into classes that I didn't want to be in, so needless to say I wasn't the happiest camper in those classes.
You wanted me to take honors in high school, and I almost turned the world upside down because I refused to let you make choices for me any longer. You always talked about how I didn't deserve to be in a "low leveled" class with "those people" and that made staff members take it upon themselves to make choices on my behalf. You called and lied to the guidance counselor and told her that "I want to be in honors," when I never even fixed my lips to say those words, so how dare you lie on me to a staff member? Who does that to a child? Right then and there is when you lost your right to me telling you anything about my life.
Now, you wonder why my brother doesn't call or text. You wonder why I ignore your calls for weeks and then call you back three weeks later, if I call you back at all. I wasted twelve years of my life living for you, but now you're on my terms.
You live for me.
I'm done being your puppet. I'm independent. I fell off of my pedestal, the custom made pedestal that you made for me and while I'm not fully recovered yet, I will make it. I have a voice of my own and I refuse to be silenced or shut down. I'm not a little kid anymore; I grew up fast because of the divorce, but that's okay because now I know what not to do later in life. I'm smart in my own right. I can do anything that I want when I want because you have no say and no hold on me. There are no strings on me.
But I want to thank you. Thank you for loving me in your own sick, twisted, and maniacal way. Thank you for supporting me in the most unhealthy ways. Thank you for making me your puppet for twelve years and showing me how to not treat others and allowing me to see the ugly sides of you that I was too blind to see when I was younger. Thank you for allowing me to find myself outside of our family. Because of you, I have a sense of self-worth and self-respect. So thank you.
