You were there to hold me as I was fresh out of the womb and teach my parents all the tricks, since they were new parents and you had been a parent for some time now.
You were there for all the family camping trips, all of the wild road trips and most importantly you were there for me.
I grew up telling people how close I was with my extended family, so close that I once referred to my cousins as siblings. They were my first best friends in this crazy world. I thought nothing could come between us. No matter what the argument was, and no matter who got the Barbie phone that week I always knew they would be there for me, just as i would always be there for them.
I always felt like I had a second set of parents who cared about me just like they would if I was their own. You were there to tell me right from wrong and discipline me when my parents weren't around at the time. My whole childhood is memories with all of you and not a day goes by I don't wish for that connection to still be the same.
I blame myself for a lot that has gone on, not being old enough to voice my opinion and just having to "go with the flow" but as I approach my adult years, I am tired of being quiet.
What did I do for the connection to be lost? Lost, like an object that is misplaced and you soon 'give up' searching for it.
I shouldn't blame myself for you not wanting to be apart of my life and watching me take on this world. I feel I have given my best attempt at trying to re-kindel this flame but somethings should be left burnt out, which I have realized over the years.
Maybe we don't see eye-to-eye, maybe my life choices are different than yours. That still doesn't give you the right to shut me out.
Part of me thinks this is jealousy. I am blonde, with blue eyes and you all have dark hair and darker eye colors. I use to want to die my hair to fit in with you guys because I always looked so different, but you wouldn't know that because you wouldn't take the time to dig deep into what I felt. I was the younger one who followed in all of your foot-steps, just wanting to be accepted by you guys but you never did accept me. I was never good enough or maybe I was "too good" in your eyes. My parents gave me everything because my dad had nothing, he wanted to give me a better life than what he had. I did not chose to be spoiled but I was, and I am very grateful for being able to grow up with all I had.
This isn't a negative article, all about me "bashing" you guys. I just want you to know I'm still here. I still care so much and I constantly remind myself of all the times and memories we had.
I hope one day I will come close to you all again, even if I am the one constantly trying. I love you guys so much, you will never fully understand how much I do care about you.
