How many of us come from a toxic family? When you google toxic family dynamics, websites such as Advice have published articles that list signs to watch for such as: family members being controlling, disregarding your feelings, criticizing your every move, and perhaps most of all telling you that you're deserving of the harsh treatment they're doling out. From my experience, the main defining feature of toxicity in a "family" is having someone who you love more than life itself, call into question your worth. I think it's easy for people in this situation to feel like they've done something wrong, and in turn need to conform to what their family wants rather than taking care of themselves and their own needs.
I know because this was me up until 6 months ago...
I had a rough go of it growing up. I watched my parents come and go, along with any hopes I had of establishing a relationship with them. I watched my aunt battle drug addiction and be alienated from the entire family because of it. I sat with my relatives as they were dying in the hospital and all I could do was try to stay strong and keep my faith because without God, I had nothing.
Just like every other human on this planet, I'm no stranger to loss and heartache. With some families, times like the ones I described serve to bring them closer. For others, it drives the wedge further and fuels anger and resentment. I watched different members of my family be alienated and during the worst times when we needed family the most, that seemed to be when they were around the least.
When I was 19 a silver lining came in my life and his name was Brad. Brad came at a point in my life where I was reasonably happy, but was definitely feeling the lack of companionship as a result of being on my own for so long. I was comfortable opening up to him in a way that I never was with my family. He also offered the unconditional support and love that I was lacking in my life.
However, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows when we started dating. Not by a long-shot. My family hated him because of skeletons in his past that Brad couldn't change, but I wasn't the kind of person to write someone off because they made a few questionable choices in his youth. I loved him for the person he'd become, not the person he was. Because of my family's harsh feelings towards Brad, this began to reflect back on how they felt about me. They didn't understand who Brad was, much less who I was and they wasted no time in making their own judgments about us. The things that happened between my family and I left permanent scars that still run deep, and that ultimately resulted in me leaving home and starting a life of my own.
I could go on for days about all the shit that went down, but that's too much too share in one story, that isn't really relevant to you guys. However, to help you better understand even a fraction of my story, is to help you understand why I want to help others who are struggling in similar situations. I want you to know that even when you feel the world is against you and you have no one to turn to, this isn't the case. You are never nearly as alone as you think you are.
Leaving a toxic home life is hard, but coping with the aftermath is harder. There are going to be nights that you mourn for what you lost, because no matter how bad things got you can't help but reflect back on the good times as well. The holidays will be hard because going to a friend's Christmas celebration will never be quite the same as the one your own family held. But that's not the point. The point is that when a major life change happens and you think you've lost your family, that's not true. In the darkest of nights, the ones who love you and cherish you the most will come to light and will be there to help fill the inevitable void. Because listen folks, family isn't blood. Family is about who is going to be there when the glass walls are shattering all around you. Family are the ones who fight for you, stand up for you, support you, listen to you, and most of all love you for all of your imperfections because those flaws are what make you so beautifully human.
