I'm 23 years old and "tired" at this point is a constant state of mind. It's a constant ache that my body deals with. I'm physically, emotionally and mentally tired. I once believed that if I didn't sleep good at night it was acceptable to be tired the morning there afterwards. But what about my heart? Why is it being tired acceptable?
I have grown up thinking I didn't get adequate love from the people surrounding me, whether that be friends or family. I grew up not knowing truly how to love myself because I was never shown how to be loved by others. At this point it was my adolescence and figured as I grew my cold heart would grow to become warmer.
I got pregnant and swore I finally had the aspect of love I deserved-- that I finally found the love I knew would cure the pain from my past. I saw his hands grip my single finger and was overwhelmed with the joy his soul had brought me. I knew at that time no other love ever mattered and he was the reason I would continue to breathe and my heart like the Grinch's grew so big, it felt like an explosion could happen any moment in my chest.
Since then, I have continued to search for a "family." You know, a husband, a boyfriend, a companion. Almost to the point of desperation. I continued to look and time after time relationship after relationship, for whatever reason it felt like I wasn't good enough to love, I wasn't good enough for effort. I was really good for perfecting everyone else and their self being, but wasn't good enough for them to stick around once whatever was broken inside of them was fixed.
Recently, my heart became matched by this "perfect" specimen of a man. My heart was smiling, I would wake up in the morning happy. We would sing at the top of our lungs to some 90s alternative, we enjoyed the same beer, we had the same characteristics, the same tattoo, we liked the same tv shows-- but not the same movies.
We loved each other like no one had ever broken us before.
Every night that he laid beside me, I prayed over his head for his safety. I was self-less. I worried about him more than I cared for myself. If he had eaten, if he had money, how to help him with his debts. I went to sleep and spent my days wanting to just ensure that I could squeeze a smile out of his face. In the back of my mind I knew it was momentary. I knew because I've never been fixed myself and that eventually he would leave like everyone else had.
I think his goodbye hurt because I began mending myself. I think his goodbye hurt because I was on the brink of being satisfied. But as sure as it was good, it was also surely momentary. So from this point on, this time around, I'm spending my money on me, my time and love on my son and on my girlfriends. I can't promise I'll swear off dating, but I can promise myself that being tired is a thing of the past and my only state of mind from now on will be constant happiness.
The purest form delivered to myself and those who have proven their worth.
