I want to start off by saying, this isn't going to be an (annoying and typical) venting session about how I'm a powerful, independent woman who doesn't need a man. Not that I'm not powerful or independent, but this is going to be more about something I've learned about myself over the years, and maybe it could help other individuals in their dating lives.
I've dated quite a bit, and by date, I don't mean relationships. I mean, I've gone on to see someone after a first date for 2-5 months without putting a label on it until I realized I was totally incompatible with them. I've had some of the best dating experiences, and tons of fond memories I will tell my future grandchildren one day. I've dated the lead singer of my favorite band, I've dated CEO's, I've dated teachers, some of the most beautiful people I've ever met inside and out, but yet, still can't say for certain that I've ever been in love.
A lot of people close to me think quite the contrary. They insist I've been in love, from the outside looking in, but I personally just don't think I've ever crossed that boundary. I think I've been in lust, I think I've thought very highly of some individuals and have had experiences that were unique and beautiful, but definitely never felt in love.
It's not like I haven't met someone I couldn't see a future with. I've definitely had that feeling. But I think ultimately, I just feel more "me" when I'm not dating anyone. I feel less stressed, my anxiety is lower, and I feel extremely more passionate and driven in whatever it is I'm putting my energy into. I haven't ever been able to balance working on myself and my goals, while simultaneously including someone else in my world, without getting distracted. And for some people, maybe even lots of people, that just might be what falling in love is all about.
Combining both individuals worlds in harmony and understanding that growth on both ends is a part of the connection and time together will determine whether or not that love you share is meant to last a lifetime (or whatever your view is on love and how long it lasts).
I think the concept of falling in love is beautiful. I can't even imagine how lovely it must feel to wake up next to someone you share a special connection with and know through and through that person is meant for you. That must be the most secure and comforting feeling or concept to some. But to me, the most secure and comforting feeling is knowing what I'm doing with my life and knowing I'm working 100% on bettering myself and my future. And this took a while for me to learn about myself. I always had a feeling something was off, and I blamed it on the other person. But I'm pretty confident that the problem all along was myself, and my own personal boundaries.
With that said, that doesn't mean I want to be alone. It doesn't mean I want to stop dating and meeting new people. It just means, I'm not sure if I'm ready to let myself cross the boundary between enjoying someone's company and having fun and sharing secrets and experiences together into, having that with the same person for years to come or however long that relationship is supposed to last (assuming that you date the person you're in love with).
To me, there's always been something beautiful and comforting with leaving things unsaid. Especially in my romantic life. I cherish every single moment I've shared with individuals I'd say I've gotten very close to loving and even tried to bring my wall down and include them into my life in that way, but I'm not ready. I can't truly love someone else until I really love the life I lead, on my own. Singularly.
I do think there's some truth to the sentiment "you have to learn to love yourself before you can fully love others." While the situation at hand isn't about self-love, I think it holds true to just overall loving the life you lead and being comfortable with your place in the universe. I just feel like, I have no idea what I can possibly bring to the table if I'm not 100% comfortable in who I am and whatI'mm doing. I want to spread love and positivity and light, on my own. I want to be my own inspiration, and proud of my accomplishments, before I decide to share that with someone.
On top of that, I'm still young. Whether or not I fully agree with young equating to having a lot of time (I don't), I still think I have a lot of time to "do me" so to speak. I still wanna flirt with strangers i'll never meet again, I wanna serenade the person driving next to me at a red light, and yes, I'll definitely go on a date with you (that means free food) (just kidding, sort of).
I just love to connect, but only in the moment. And to those that may say if its the right person none of this shit matters, maybe take into consideration that kind of love your describing (in my eyes) is being hopelessly in love and devoted to someone. I don't want to let down all the things I feel passionate about just for one connection. I want a more hopeful kind of love with someone, one day, but not anytime soon.
