My entire life I have been terrified of failure. I'm not afraid of much. I'll jump off a cliff, out of an airplane, and needles are no problem at all. But failure, that always made my skin crawl. I hated failing, in all aspects of my life. As an athlete, as a student, as a daughter, a sister, a significant other. Fear of failure had such a grip on me that I would refuse to start something new because I didn't want to be embarrassed if I failed. I played one sport my whole life, not just because I loved it but because I was good at it. I could walk on to any soccer field and feel confident in my ability to play. I stayed with one guy for years too long, not because he set my soul on fire, but because it was easy and comfortable. I told myself that failure meant I wasn't good enough. Failure meant that I needed to stop trying and just go back to my comfort zone.
I didn't get into my dream school, which happened to be the only college plans I had. Shortly after, my long term relationship failed. God's plans were better than mine (like always) and he gave me a new plan, but I was still drowning in this fear of failure. When I first got to Southeastern, without even realizing it I quickly found my comfort zone. I signed up for soccer, even though I thought it would be fun to try something new. I stayed to myself and guarded my heart, even though I really wanted to make lasting friendships. I got the same gym membership I had back home, even though I actually hated the gym and wanted to try another way of working out.
And then God (and college) rocked my world.
It wasn't until I hit my knees, literally, that the chains started falling off. I got hit in the head and it was harder than any impact I've ever taken in the past. I got a severe concussion and post-concussion syndrome following that. The doctor told me that I couldn't play soccer for a very long time, if ever again. I struggled with sadness, I didn't sleep, my grades struggled, I put on 10 pounds, and I lost myself in the process. One day I got tired of the self-pity. I got tired of looking in the mirror and not loving the person in it. I began to realize that maybe losing myself was a good thing. I realized that I didn't want to be the girl I was before. So I started over. I wrote down all the things that I wanted to do, and I started to actually do them. I joined a kickboxing gym. I joined a small group. I started nursing school. I started to get up before the sun every day. I started reading my bible. I started jumping at the opportunity to meet new people. I started opening up to people that wanted to get to know me. I started loving myself, including my failures.
Did I fail when I tried all of these new things? Absolutely, I couldn't throw a decent punch to save my life. and I got panic attacks when I prayed out loud. Do I still fail? 100%, I failed a nursing check off just last week. But this time around, I took failure head on. Failure is inevitable, but if you change your mindset it actually becomes something beautiful. Failure means that you had the courage to try. Failure means that you have the chance to get better. Failure means that when you finally succeed, you will know what the bottom looks like and what it took to get to the top. Failure gives you a story to tell.
Welcome failure. Try something new and embrace it if you fall flat on your face. The greatest success stories are backed by failure and I can promise you that mine will be too. Failure, thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for motivating me to get up and try again. Thank you for stretching me to be the best version of myself. Fear of failure is heavy. It's a weight I'm never going to carry again. Let that weight go, because life is too short to not pursue all the beauty it has to offer.
