This is satirical folks, calm down. I would never betray my love for fall.

It’s fall. The air is crisp. The leaves are changing color. We refill our pantries with hot chocolate and our hearts with love. There is a sense of endless possibility, as if fall instills this sense of something beginning anew. Families huddle inside next to their beaming fireplaces, watching as the mosaic of leaves sprinkle the ground outdoors.

It’s fall. And for some reason, we all lose our shit.

Fall is actually the worst though:

1. We are celebrating dead things
2. There’s orange/brown shit everywhere
3. Pumpkin spice lattes are a flaming pile of trash
4. But you actually like them so you hate yourself and give a false name when you’re ordering it at Starbucks (“Um yes my name is Sandra Bullock”)
5. Foods that would normally never be pumpkin spiced are now contaminated with pumpkin spice flavors (excuse me, leave my poptarts alone).
6. Festivities are dumb unless you like people
7. You do weird things like go to barns in the middle of nowhere and pick pumpkins and apples which you literally would never do in any other scenario
8. And if you do decide to indulge in fall festivities, you can’t do so without being called a basic bitch
9. You pretend not to like fall festivities so you overcompensate and make comments about how basic you’re being but really you love it and you know it
10. You Instagram said festivities until you hate yourself
11. There’s really only a few days of fall that’s actually nice weather
12. It’s damn cold
13. Or maybe it’s damn hot
14. Your co-workers bring fall treats into the office and you hate them because you can’t resist apple spiced anything
15. You get fat
16. You don’t know you’re getting fat because you just cover it up with big lumpy knit sweaters and scarves
17. You are wearing so many layers of clothing you don’t actually remember what your body looks like
18. You feel like loving someone because everyone is suddenly cuddly and weirdly in love with each other, but then you realize you’re alone so you eat an entire pumpkin pie by yourself
19. There’s cinnamon in everything
20. Diet gurus try and make fall themed foods healthy but you know you’re gonna eat full fat everything because tell me one person who wants to eat a vegan protein pumpkin lactose free energy ball. No one.
21. Family gatherings. Need I say more.