"God… I am just not feeling it today…”
I can’t remember exactly when this thought ran through my head, which I subsequently said out loud to Jesus as I was driving in my car, but I know it was after I had been at a prayer meeting, or maybe it was a college ministry service, or something else church-related...
Anyway, it was after I had been trying to get into the presence of God for the umpteenth time, just trying to be with Him, just trying to feel something other than the gigantic, garbage-bag-of-a-mess I felt like...
... and not feeling it. Not feeling his presence, not feeling loved, not feeling secure, not feeling it. At all.
And it sucked.
“God… I am just not feeling it today…”
Before I continue with what happened after I thought this, I need to give you some background on me.
I am a feeler. A really, deep feeler.
I am an easily emotive and openly emotional person.
And I am secure in these things about myself, perfectly comfortable with them, and I’m confident that God made me this way for a reason.
However, I will admit that it's not always fun.
There are some emotions that I have felt, and, on occasion, still feel, so strongly, that it’s practically a miracle I haven’t imploded from just how intensely I felt them.
I'm serious. Just ask my parents or my sister or some of my closest friends, they’d probably all agree with me.
Anyway, something God has shown me recently is that a lot of the time, my walk with Him has been heavily influenced by my emotions.
He’s shown me that what I have thought about Him, how I have experienced His presence, what I have believed about His consistency, goodness, and faithfulness in my life, have all been influenced by my emotions.
So much so, that I have believed this very deceiving lie:
That the emotions that I feel reflect God's thoughts about and emotions towards ME.
This has looked like:
Me feeling disappointed because things didn't work out how I thought they would, and thinking that God viewed me as a disappointment. Me thinking that God was disappointed in me for wanting what I wanted and for hoping for or hoping in the wrong thing, and not figuring it out until some serious damage had been done.
Me feeling angry with myself and being self-critical, and thinking that God was angry with me and critical of me.
Me feeling shame and thinking that God was ashamed of me.
Me feeling loved and thinking that God loved me — BUT AT THE SAME TIME, somehow subconsciously thinking that the love I felt was conditional and that it would fade the minute I did something wrong — which, by the way, IS THE SPIRIT OF ANXIETY AND PARANOIA, PEOPLE.
Me still feeling the deeeeep ache of the depression and the violent turbulence of the anxiety that I’ve struggled against for years, and thinking that because I was still struggling with those things, that God was slowly abandoning and giving up on me, that God had made up His mind that I wasn’t worth pursuing anymore because I still felt depressed, alone, and anxious over ridiculous things that (at the time I didn’t know but I now realize) literally had no bearing on my life whatsoever.
That because of my emotions, I was too difficult, exhausting, and useless for Him to even try to do any kind of good work in or through me.
That because of how messy I was and my inability to do anything on my own that God had become fed up with me, that I had finally done the ONE thing that would convince Him to leave me, that He thought it was a waste of time to keep working in me because I was still struggling with the same stupid stuff all freaking over again.
WOW.
Lies. Lies, lies, lies, all LIES.
The enemy has been feeding me these for years.
And it was only fairly recently that I realized how long this had been going on, how long I had believed them, and how much the enemy had ripped me off.
BUT (and here’s the glorious giddy-kind-of-laughter inducing FACT about following God).
God is not disappointed in, mad at, or upset with me for having believed these lies for so long.
He has forgiven me for this and has had immense patience with me as I've wrestled with these things.
And because He is so kind and so good and so consistent, He continues to give us all of Himself, all of the time.
And without measure, He pours out on us grace upon grace upon grace upon grace upon grace…
Which brings me back to what happened in my car the other day...
“God… I am just not feeling it today…”
Almost immediately after I said that thought out loud did another thought come into my head -
“But that doesn’t mean I’m not here, Liv. Just because you don’t ‘feel’ me doesn’t mean I’m far from you. I am right here, with you. WITH YOU.
You know why? Because I love you. I’m crazy about YOU. Even if you don’t ‘feel’ me or my presence, or ‘feel’ what you think you should when you worship me or experience my presence in the ways you see other people experiencing me, that does not mean I’m not with you, that does not mean I don’t love you or that I love you less for feeling the way you do.
I love you just the way you are, exactly where you are, and no matter where you are."
I was dumbfounded.
I found myself undone, weeping in my car while driving home, incredibly thankful and overwhelmed by God's love.
Emotions and feelings are not bad, people. God has emotions and feelings. God gave us those things!
It is how we respond to them, how we choose to act on them (if at all), and where the thought behind our emotions comes from that is important.
“Just because I 'feel' an emotion does not mean that the thought behind it is true."
WOW. THANK YOU, LORD, FOR THIS REVELATION.
I want to be someone who considers it ALL JOY when I encounter trials of any kind,
andI know I canbe, ONLY because of Jesus.
Do you?
I want to be someone who really asks in prayer with unshakable faith, not doubting that God will answer me so that I am not one who's mind and emotions are tossed about like the waves of the sea.
andI know I canbe, ONLY because of Jesus.
Do you?
* * *
As a result of this finally getting through to my heart, I have determined to repeat the following declaration to myself UNTIL I TRULY BELIEVE IT,especially when I have moments where I feel overwhelmed by my emotions (I encourage you to do the same).
The emotions you DO or DO NOT feel DO NOT define YOU, your walk with God, or what God thinks of you. Period.
Your emotions do not have control over you, define you, or have the power to create chaos in your life.
You know why?!?
Because God defines you.
God holds you and every little bit of you and your life together.
God understands emotions, and He is not surprised by, put off by, afraid of, or incapable of handling the intensity of yours.
God creates order out of the messiness of life and the messiness of our emotions. Even if we do not see it right away, He promises that it will happen, and
He. Follows. Through. On. His. Promises.
Always.
FOR THE LORD GOD SAYS,
I am with you and you, and I will protect you wherever you go…I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you. — (Gen 28:15)
Fear not, for I am with you: Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. — (Isaiah 41:10)
Remain confident of this Liv (or insert your name here): You will see My goodness in the land of the living. Wait for Me; be strong and take heart and wait for Me. — (Psalm 27:13-14)
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But TAKE HEART, because I have OVERCOME the world. — (John 16:33)
When [NOT IF, BUT WHEN] you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and WHEN[NOT IF, BUT WHEN] you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you When[NOT IF, BUT WHEN] you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;the flames will not set you ablaze. — (Isaiah 43:2)Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you that in you we can have hope despite our circumstances, no matter how dark they are.
1. "Healing Negative Emotions" devotional on the YouVersion Bible App by Kimberly Taylor, from takebackyourtemple.com.
