I have started this time and time again, looking for the words to describe how I am feeling, but they are nonexistent. I am sad and uncomfortable and weak. I’ve began wearing this mask for the sake of my friends; trying to cover up my bloodshot eyes and the makeup smudges on my face. I don’t want them to know that I’m not okay. I don’t want them to know that I’ve cried everyday this week. I don’t want them to know that I’ve contemplated ending everything. They don’t need the added stress or the constant worry that comes with knowing such things. I am depressed. I have been for as long as I can remember. A lot of people think it’s just an excuse for people to be sad and lazy, but it is so much more than that.
It creeps up on you quietly, sometimes out of nowhere. You try to figure out how to handle it before it gets the chance to take control of your life, but the fight seems never ending. At the beginning you struggle with the little things, but try to ignore it by reading or listening to music or working out. You try keeping yourself busy so that those thoughts of sadness won’t seep out of the darkest part of your mind. It’s like a headache: you tell yourself that it’s temporary and that it’ll go away eventually. It’s just another bad day, but it’s not.. You’re stuck in this state of mind; you’re used to putting on this social mask and you continue to live among other people, because it’s what you have to do. You have to continue on with your life, you can’t just stop moving.
However the problem does not go away. You struggle to put on this play everyday and it’s thoughts that cost you more and more. That is why you fall even deeper and that’s when you start to back away from friends and family. Sometimes completely shutting them out. All satisfaction is gone. The things that brought you joy are now worthless and ineffective. Even the simplest tasks become difficult and painful, and THAT is why you lack motivation. Why would you keep on trying if nothing makes you happy anyway? All of this makes you feel worse and you get caught up in a vicious cycle of never ending sadness.
You then find yourself living in slow motion. Days become indistinguishable, white noise and just heaviness filling your mind. You feel as though you will never be happy again. You continue to back away and distance yourself from relationships and people in general. You’re ashamed of everything you’ve done and everything you may do. But there's this part of you that wants to fix things, this sudden positive upsurge that makes you want to go out and meet new people, but it’s all very short lived because you know it won’t work anyways. The things that make your friends so excited, leave you indifferent and you become aware of the huge gap that’s made it’s way between you.
Another failure is not an option so in the end you choose to be alone in your comfort zone where no one asks any questions. Low self-esteem and lack of purpose become unbearable. You suddenly realize that you can’t go on that way and one of two things happen. You either decide to get some help or you chose suicide because that might be easier than trying to explain the mess of thoughts and feelings that lie within your mind.
This illness is not some joke, in any way. It is not some big hoax that people decide to participate in because they think it will get them some attention. It is an ILLNESS that millions of people have to live with. Some only have it for a few weeks or a month, but others deal with it for years, without any kind of escape. No matter how hard one may try, they don’t always make it out alive.
