For privacy purposes, if I do decide to post this.. I'm leaving names out of people as I explain my reflections. Because I've forgiven them since then, and I want to move on, but a part of me just needs to write down how I feel in order to heal. If that makes sense.
It's been a little over two months since I wrote a piece for The Odyssey, and it's not because I didn't want to, I honestly just couldn't. My writer's block had taken over my dash. Trust me, if you're reading this please applaud me because there's so many unfinished pieces on my dash that your eyes will never have the opportunity to feast on.
I feel like this is a reflection piece on this last year, which let me tell you, was very eventful. It was so significant, I feel like it changed my life completely, physically and emotionally. I saw so many people I loved leave, but at the same time so many people join me. I don't know how long they'll be here, but there company is more than welcome.
October 2016
I had been dating the person I thought would be the love of my life for a while, and things were beginning to become a little rocky due to the fact I decided to focus on myself for once, and get the education I craved for. Ever since I was a little girl, my goal was to go to college and make my parents proud, because they gave up a lot in order for me to be where I was today. Unfortunately for him, that meant that I would give up a lot of my time to focus on my school work, my work, and myself. Unfortunately for me, came heartbreak, lying, and cheating.
From then on I went on a downwards spiral, my nights would prolong into mornings and I was still awake at 6 a.m. thinking about where I went wrong. I sought out answers to questions like you wouldn't believe. I just wanted to know why. Come to think of it, I never got the answers I wanted to hear, just the ones I actually needed to hear.
I loved him so much, let me tell you, but our relationship was toxic. My life and everything I worked so hard for revolved around him, I started to believe the people who warned me not to become so attached to him, or begged me to leave him, and pleaded that he wasn't any good for me were the toxic ones. I just thought he was wounded from all the shit he had to put up with growing up. And believe me, I didn't listen. Oh, how I wish I did listen.
I begged him for weaks to answer my questions, I felt so weak, I felt so humiliated, I felt empty. This hollow feeling I felt for weeks was nothing compared to the storm that lied ahead from me. I'd give anything to feel the numbing that I felt from the heartbreak, over feeling everything so strongly.
October just was not my month, I had endured my first car crash earlier that month and friendships that had formed that I believed would last a lifetime, crumbled after just a couple weeks.
November 2016
It's 1:30 a.m. and I have to be up by 6 in order to make my step sister to school on time. But I feel everything so deeply and my thoughts keep wandering around this empty room. I lay in bed staring at the cieling, and I feel my heart pounding all over my body. My head, my feet, my legs.. my chest. The pounding drastically gets harder and quicker by the second, and I get up right away and sit up right. I stare at the cold tile floor of my dorm and start to hyperventilate. There's pain in my chest and it's so hard to breathe, and I begin to cry. I just want to breathe. I lay down in fetal position and when I look at the clock it's about to be 4 a.m. and I just decide that my time is up. I close my eyes, only to hear the blaring of my alarm two hours later. It was the first panic attack I had suffered since July.. after the incident. I'll get to that later, but at the time I didn't know it was a panic attack. I was all alone. And I was terrified. The following night I decided to stay at my dad's and I woke up with the worst chest pain. I went to work that morning, and had another panic attack and ended up in the hospital, and that was the first of many panic attacks that would have me ending up in the hospital. All I could think during this time period was how afraid I was of everything. I wouldn't go out. I wouldn't do anything that would put me at risk. I was so afraid of dying, that I purposely avoided people so they wouldn't think I was weird. For a long period of time I stopped eating, or ate very little. I just wanted to be healthy. I had no appetite and I had to make myself eat. It was awful. It also didn't help that Pepe, had passed away. Pepe was my dog, and he got hit by a car. It was a huge accident and no one knew exactly what to do, and within sobs I took him to the animal hospital I sat there for hours waiting for news on his condition. The topic of Pepe became one of my main triggers. I became a mess because I had to let go of him, so he wouldn't have to suffer the rest of his life. Anxiety took over my life. And it would continue to do so for two more months.
December 2016
I was overjoyed with the fact that my friends had came back for Winter break. Briefly forgetting what happened July 2016. Growing up, I was always super straight edge, bending the rules was not something that appealed to me, but I don't what it was, but smoking pot seemed harmless, it was just a whatever thing, everyone did it. So I didn't really care, so I did it to with my friends. It wasn't that big of a deal, it was fun actually. We'd get high, then go to Golden Corral and eat a bunch of food. It was great. Summer was so good to me. Full of late night adventures of driving around high as fuck playing Pokemon Go, or running to Bdubs thinking my friend's car was going to set on fire because of how stupid I was while I was high. I didn't care about anything, I felt so free. Well, there came a night where I was sharing a blunt with this girl that used to be one of my really good friends. I absolutely loved her. She was always there for me, and we were really close. I really appreciated her friendship since day one. Welp, then I blacked out. I don't know what the fuck we were smoking, but I had never blacked out before. I lived by the woods and I heard growling coming from the woods and immediately freaked out, only to realize it was just the engine of a motorcycle roaring in the distance. I was not okay. Everything kept fading in and out, and I gave up and ran upstairs. My heart was beating so fast and so hard, I was terrified. My mom was concerned because I kept pacing trying to calm myself down. I took a cold shower, didn't work. I went outside to breathe fresh air, it didn't work. I constantly checked my blood pressure, it was high each time. My friend was so mad at me that I chose to go upstairs and deal with it at home over trying to "chill". I couldn't "chill" when I had no control over me. There was just no possibility. And my "friend" never checked on me the next days to see if I was okay. So she really wasn't my "friend". Because the only times we talked, were when it was me reaching out to her. And even then, I had to plead her to talk to me. Well, December came around and my "best friend" came to visit and all my "friends" reunited and hung out and it was the most awkward experience I had had in a while. I was accused of things I did when I was a completely different person. They didn't understand that I grew up, when life slaps you, you grow. Of course I'm not innocent, I've made really stupid decisions. I've done really stupid things to people I cared about. I regret each and every one. However, if I hadn't made them I wouldn't be where I am today. Yet they still called me the same old Kris, but leet me be the first to tell you.. Kris is extinct. So bye Kris.
January 2017
New friends, I decided to live off campus this semester, and it worked out for the better. This semester started of really hard and it continued to be difficult, and let me tell you. By January my panic attacks weren't any better. It came to the point where one night, I sat with my step mom, (mid panic attack) who I don't have the best relationship with, decided to knock some sense into me. She told me what I had been denying for the longest time, she told me I needed to get professional help. The following Monday, I made my first appointment. I was very hesitant at first, because my past experiences with therapy didn't go that well. I've always blamed myself for my parent's divorce, it's probably not healthy to do so, but I'll always believe I could've prevented it. I've gotten over the fact that my dad cheated, but if he never had cheated, Yaretzi (my youngest sister) wouldn't be in my life right now. And I feel like at this point, my life would be empty without her. At this point my appetite has not gotten any better, but I begin to realize I've been losing weight, and I begin to practice my make up more.
February 2017
Things are slowly getting a lot better. I begin to notice more weight change and I'm slowly gaining my confidence back. I'm feeling a lot better, and I download the myfitnesspal app in order to be able to keep track of what I'm eating to ensure I'm getting the proper nutrients.
March-Now 2017
Weight change is dramatically noticeable. I feel a lot more stable, things are better. I have more healthy friendships, and a relationship with more communication and respect.. although it's just the beginning. And there's always going to be minor bumps in the road.
Reflection
Overall, my journey has been short but it's felt long. There's been a lot of sleepless nights I've had to endure, but I'm feeling a lot better with myself now. Things are going well, and I am happy.
However, due to the circumstances I was put in I have trust issues which is a given, but it gets to the point where it's ridiculous. I just want the negativity out, and the positivity to keep on rolling in.
P.S. If you read all of this, thanks? In a way it's kind of embarrasing that I put my business out there like this, but I haven't written in a long time, and honestly I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
