I believe heavily in the hard topics. Those that can only be typed behind an interface. The topics popular among Tumblr users, scattered over Yahoo Answers, those that are whispered between doting mothers between sips of expensive red wine. I believe in them--as in I want them to be widely expressed in introductions or descriptions of oneself. I, the author, want to be able to explain to someone why my hands are scarred or why I have found and marked every single exit in a certain location so that at any given moment I can run. I want to tell people that I, a college-aged female, do not contain a single wisp of perfection or even normality.
1. Anxiety
I have one of the most common mental illnesses known to man. I am the human equivalent of a very small, very shy, very shaky chihuahua. The same one that pees when it meets new people, the same one that hides, trembling, under the couch, the same one that refuses to come out from said couch for hours until human assistance is absolutely necessary. My disability has been with me since birth, just not understandable. Over time, I learned that I was not the same as my peers. I couldn't walk through the mall with confidence without an adult with me. I had triggers, things that kept me from being successful, things that caused me to condense in panic.
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Trigger 1
I can't handle being singled out. This made it hard for me in school. Being called on made my head freeze. My thoughts were not impacted, my head felt like it had been sucked into a freezer and I couldn't be still. I would pluck at my fingers, ripping the skin.
Trigger 2
I cannot stand crowds. Being in places with a high density amplified panic and nausea. It was fight or flight; flight winning hands-down.
Trigger 3
This one I have no idea about. I am scared of movie theaters. I have never been able to sit through a movie without my stomach rebelling, and my feet tapping. I am petrified. I will do everything and anything to avoid going to a movie. This doesn't mean I haven't gone to a theater, I just haven't gone to a theater and felt fine with being there.
Trigger 4
I do not do well in social situations. I have absolutely no idea how to handle talking to a human successfully. I -- through some miracle of fate -- have friends. I still, even through knowing them for over a year, have no idea how to talk to them.
The outcome of all of this madness is sheer unbridled panic attacks. I can tell that I am having one when everything goes dim. My thoughts clash into each other, sounds become sharp granite pressing into my sides. All sensory output is threatening. I want to fold into a small, insignificant, piece of paper and close my eyes, cover my ears. My heart picks up to a gallop, my hands scratching at any available piece of exposed skin. The overwhelming feeling of needing to escape overdrives my system. While all this is happening inside of me; I could be in a public place. In case you didn't know, running and crying is not a socially acceptable thing to do. So, I mask it. I put on a brave face and act like a normal person. So far, no one has seen the side of me that slips under the covers, clenched, with tears at the corners of my eyes, waiting for the wave to end. No one has even come close to seeing my lowest point. Not ever.
2. Depression
The second most common mental illness. It works the complete opposite of Anxiety. Many have claimed to be Depressed, but are actually experiencing an emotion called "sadness." Through my life, I have only told a couple trusted people. The response, to those who have never experienced this mental illness, is to say, "think positive" and "push through." Again, it's a mental illness, if the cure were that simple it would not be such a problem. It is as though you have the flu, the aches and pains, feeling of exhaustion, and "gross" feeling that makes you want to stay under the covers. Unlike a flu or sickness, it doesn't go away. You can't just wait a few days and expect to be fine. For me, it's been years, about 5 to be exact. Then there are the more challenging symptoms. Many people have experienced that one friend who says the worst things to you like how you don't look great, that you should be lucky to have friends. Depression is that friend. Someone could be complimenting me and I would immediately think I did something wrong, they are lying to me, they are just saying that because they need me for something, it's never genuine. Paired with my innate ability to say all the wrong things and not be able to express myself properly, it's a struggle to be in public. Finally, the last, and most crippling, symptom. For about 2 or 3 years I have become fully absent. I don't feel much emotion, unless it's an extreme. I am severely unmotivated and have taken the bystander role in my own life. It makes me physically exhausted to be motivated.
The result of these two, plus a couple of other ingredients, has made me dislike living. I have tried a concoction of things to make me feel more normal, but every time it seems to backfire in the most spectacularly horrible way. The fact of the matter is, I am so inhibited that I wish I were no longer alive. However, there are small things. I have obligations like work and school that I have to finish. I have a family that I have to be a part of. Those are truly small things to keep me, but my struggle is not a short term one, it's lifelong. Eventually, I will find the perfect concoction of medication that will keep me stable, until then, I try to experience what I can before I get worse. There really isn't a light at the end of the tunnel, but the explanation to those I love and care for is a reward enough for me.
