Disclaimer: I am not an expert on anything I write about, nor do I intend to impose as one. These are merely my thoughts as an outsider to many topics.

Growing up, I have never really been in touch with my religion. It is not that I was never exposed to religion before, I just never thought that I had a strong connection with God. I attended a Baptist church up through elementary school, but extracurricular dance activities took over my family's weekend life.

Maybe I did not realize how out of touch I actually felt until I started college in South Carolina. I felt like I was surrounded by a sea of Southern Christians who appeared to live by the Biblical law. This overpowering sense of Christianity made me feel slightly like an outsider because I did not possess the same passion and knowledge for God as most. Also, I do not mean to neglect other religions beyond Christianity; I am well aware they exist and are practiced by many.

I always envied people who had a close relationship and understanding of God. I always wanted that sense of comfort but did not know how to even begin. Christian values and morals were always established in my life, but I was never keen on specific Bible stories. And I truly wanted to understand, but it was hard to make myself just choose to believe in something in which I did not have substantial proof about. I thought to myself, "How are these people doing it? How can they give themselves blindly? How can they allow themselves to fall with nothing but trust into the arms of God without ever knowing if He actually exists? How can people invest their lives into something when there is barely any tangible evidence to show that it truly exists?"

I wanted this hope. I wanted this comfort. Not as a crutch to forgive my wrongdoings, but because I wanted to have faith that there is a higher power that is watching over me when I felt like no one else was. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and that what is meant to be is meant to be. Whether this was predestined in a book written millions of years ago or it was determined from a higher power, I am not sure. But it gives me comfort to think that there is something giving reason and purpose to all of the good and bad that happens in this world.

This desire to understand God and His ways was interrupted by my fear of rejection. I had a fear of not being able to let understanding in because it was difficult to grasp and truly believe. I also feared the idea of being considered a "poser." Meaning, I am going to church because I know God. Going to church because I am a pure, good person. Going to church because I know the Bible and am strengthening my connection with it.

All of these fears and worries were irrational. I am exactly the type of person, who should go to church if I chose to do so. God is not asking for the perfect person to show up every week because they have points for being the longest friend in touch with him. God is asking for the people that question Him, that are searching for Him, that want to find Him. He wants to heal those who are wandering, strengthen those who need hope and give clarity to those who are lost in a haze.

I decided that it was time to step out of my comfort zone. It was time to not be afraid; to not be embarrassed by my ignorance. It was time to step forward humbly as a student.

It has been a few weeks since I have started attending church. I have not become an expert on God, nor have I become an extreme gung-ho Christian, but I have found comfort. One lesson that particularly has influenced me greatly was a lesson on shame and guilt. A quick synopsis of the lesson was how when humans experience a form of rejection, it is nature for us to feel a sense of shame -- a deep-rooted feeling of self-embarrassment. We question our attributes and self-worth. "If only I were.... smarter, wittier, prettier, calmer..." then maybe I would not be rejected. We find flaws in other humans, but we compensate their flaws with their positives. We think, "Although they lack in this area, they make up for it with this quality." We do this for ourselves, as well. The moral of the lesson was that there is no need to feel this shame about ourselves. Our unique imperfections are what makes us each individually perfect. God sees us in this way, and we should feel this way about ourselves.

I will always be honest. To think, "It is OK, God loves me no matter what," is hard for me to wrap my head around. Religious people who have been practicing their faiths for awhile now even struggle with this concept. I thought that as I continued my journey with understanding, this will with time hopefully be easier for me to grasp. However, I have learned that the only way it will become easier is with hope and faith. Hope and faith are everything. Hope is a sense of optimism when there are doubts, and faith is a sense of blind trust in the dark. We can only hope and have faith that there is someone there above when we feel trapped in desolateness.

To all those who are wondering whether they should give faith and religion a try, I highly encourage it. In college especially, we are tested often. As we develop our morals and who we want to be in life, it is important to have a strong understanding of self. Finding your faith may help give you the stable support you need in order to have clarity.

I was always apprehensive because I believed the church to be a place where we are criticized for our wrongdoings. But I was wrong. It is a place to learn. Even if you are not religious, many of the stories relate to modern day life lessons. It is like going to a really great English class for me. In high school English, we would have Socratic circles in which we would discuss novels at great length and relate them back to real life scenarios. I always found this therapeutic and inspiring. Literature has the incredible ability to heal.

I am going to continue going to church and learning. Just to learn. I do not know what all I believe, and I do not know how long it will take me to figure out what it is I believe. I do know, however, that hope and faith are necessary components when believing in anything. I will strive to have unwavering trust and optimism in my life.