Expectations are my worst enemy. I hate being expected to be something that I'm not. I hate being expected to feel a certain way. I hate feeling trapped inside my own brain, because I'm expected not to have my own feelings. I hate being expected to be happy all the time. Most of all, I hate being expected to be someone that I'm not.
Lately, I've realized that I don't have to live up to expectations. I don't have to let someone's expectations control my life. I've always said I was an independent person, but I the last two years of my life, I've let one person completely control me. I've never been as unhappy with myself as I have been the last two years. I think we are all trying to become a better version of ourselves. I know I've struggled with this for years. I've been told what I should and shouldn't be. I've been told what I should and shouldn't do. It's all annoying really; I am so tired of trying to conform to what I'm expected to be. I am expected to be humble, slow to anger, non-judgmental, intelligent, etc. Though, all of these things are great qualities and things that I should be, the truth is, I am still human and I fail.
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I'm probably the most insecure person you'll ever meet, because I try to impress everyone. I wear more makeup than I should, because I think it's going to cover up my imperfections. I know that makeup can't fix my problems, but it makes me feel more accepted than without it. My insecurity is my biggest flaw, but I'm trying to fix that.
I'm currently getting rid of the toxicity and negativity in my life. I feel like ridding myself of that toxicity is good for me. Though what I leave behind makes me sad, I know it's not healthy to be dwelling on something that continually makes me unhappy. As crazy as it sounds, I finally feel like I am free to become whoever I want to be. Though, I still often find myself trying to be something that I'm not. I have to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to live up to expectations others have for me. I'm never going to be who someone else wants me to be and that's fine with me.
I came across an F. Scott Fitzgerald quote that really hits home to me--"For what it's worth: it's never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start over."
I have high expectations for myself, but most of all, I just want to be happy. I think I'm on the right track to becoming who I'm meant to be. The things I now surround my life with make me genuinely happy. I'm beginning to feel like the life I'm living is one I can be proud of. I know now that even if I fail, I will somehow find the strength that F. Scott Fitzgerald is referring to.
