I love Gilmore Girls. Have seen every episode multiple times, own the whole show on DVD, am watching old episodes on my laptop as I write these very words. Rory is about ten years older than I am, and as a 13-year-old watching the show for the first time, I related to her hard. Well, maybe I didn’t always relate to her, but I wanted to be her and was convinced that my life would be like hers. Honestly, she was maybe a little bit one of the reasons I looked at Yale when I was applying to colleges. And here we are, years later, me in my junior year of college at Rice, and Rory a floundering 32-year-old travelling around the world and bumbling around Connecticut, and the Gilmore Gang back together.

First, let me say that I really enjoyed the revival. Fast-talking, coffee drinking, pop-culture referencing, junk food eating, musical-performing, book-loving; the writing still spoke to my soul, and brought back fond memories of me watching the original show with my friends and with my parents. It was awesome to see how Luke and Lorelai end up (together, FINALLY), be back with Lane and Zack (and Mrs. Kim), meet up with Paris and Doyle, and generally see what the rest of the Stars Hollow crew has been up to while we’ve been gone. I loved the development the Gilmore Girls themselves got; Emily is just as much a Gilmore Girl as Lorelai and Rory, and A Year in the Life did a great job exploring their relationship as a trio as well as individual paired relationships with each other. Each Girl also got her own development and history, which was pretty gratifying. But the way Rory has ended up, although it works in the world of the story and was well done, scares me a little.

I expected to feel nostalgic being back in the Lorelais’ world, but I didn’t anticipate being driven to near existential crisis. But, sitting on my parents’ living room floor, surrounded by pets and homework, watching Rory’s adult life unfold on the screen in front of me, that’s exactly what I was experiencing. Maybe it’s a testament to the writing and the realness of Amy Sherman-Palladino, but for now it’s just a little eerie. I could feel 13-year-old me looking at what late-20/early-30 something me would be like, through the character of Rory Gilmore. And neither past me nor current me liked it. Spoilers: the revival finds Rory 32 and wandering in her career, personal life, and home base. She ultimately moves back home to Stars Hollow, travels frequently, and for most of the episodes doesn’t know where she’s going with her professional life. On top of that, all of her boyfriends and old friends make a reappearance, reminding audiences of loves and relationships past, reminding us of who Rory is and where she’s been.

But young me always dreamed that grown-up Rory would have had it all together; had a job that was leading to a rewarding career, was either strong and independently single or in a loving and healthy relationship, and was still close to the people from her past. Her life wasn’t supposed to be perfect, but I always pictured it as damn good and something to aspire to. But, even though revival Rory was maybe more realistic, it’s that realism that freaked me out. I’m in the prolonged middle of an existential crisis (and trying not to think about it too much), and watching my adolescent idol flounder did nothing to reassure me. Sherman-Palladino, you got a little too real, my friend. My main qualm with A Year in the Life was that I saw adult Rory, and saw a potential future version of myself, and the very real possibility of her adult life experiences becoming my reality was upsetting.

Yes, she has a good life; friends, family, stability. But, I hope that by the time I’m 32, I’ll at least have a stable job and a place to live that isn’t my childhood bedroom. I hate and love the revival writers for making Rory so very 2016 real. But no matter how much you value the writing and relatability and simply being back in a fictional place you love so much, it’s hard to watch one of your childhood heroes turn out less than heroic. Still, though, if you have any sort of positive relationship with Gilmore Girls, watch the revival episodes; not a bad way to pass a few hours, and it’ll bring back fond memories of whenever you watched the first series. Better yet, watch it with someone you love, maybe who you watched the original episodes with as a kid. Even though Rory flounders, the show definitely (DEFINITELY) ends on a note of hope for what’s to come in her future. Maybe there’s hope for the rest of us, too.