Hey, friends, it's me again.

So lately, I've been making some positive changes for myself because it's been helpful in getting me out of this super quirky, Bella Swan "New Moon" typa depression that has been affecting me these past few months due to some stuff in my personal life that is purely my business and not yours. ;)

And these positive changes have included a lot of things like: quitting smoking, reading more, keeping my room and car clean, washing my face two times a day, and if you can believe it, fucking exercising.

Those who know me are probably like "ew what" and I know it sounds basic, but I've really started to enjoy the effect that exercise has on me both physically and mentally.

But I don't need to sit here and educate you guys on the importance of exercise because it's like WE GET IT, but I want to help make small positive changes like daily exercise seem more accessible and beneficial so you can find uses for it in your daily life that's not just annoying all your friends.

Now, since I'm the first person to ever write about personal health and making positive changes on the internet, I think it's only my duty to share some small pieces of advice and a fun exercise routine that's perfect for all you gays out there that are like ???

So my first quirky, queer, funky exercise tip is that:

You don't have to GO to the gym to be AT the gym!

I'm the first one to admit that the gym is the worst place on the Earth; like certified Dick City.

So, it's no wonder that starting to exercise is such a daunting task. But listen up, Linda, because your bedroom floor is the perfect gym for you.

Just grab some comfy clothes, a glass of fucking water, maybe your roommate's yoga-matt, and put on your pump up playlist because henny your bedroom is now Planet Fitness, so that's something to celebrate!

From there you might be wondering:

"How does one begin to exercise?"

or

"How does one spell 'exercise' without needing spellcheck?"

And if you are asking either question, you're not alone (especially the second question)

I personally googled some exercise videos and picked the one with the hottest guy on it, but again, Dick City is a real thing and it gives a lot of men something to jerk themselves off about in their YouTube videos. So, I've assembled a list of some exercises that aren't fucking insane and will be PERFECT for your queer ass to do while listening to "Now That's What I Call The 80's" from the privacy of your own sweaty bedroom.

So let's begin with this ab STUFF:

1. Fucking rub your knees

This move is all in the title!

You're gonna lay down on your damn back with your knees up and feet flat on the ground. Then you're gonna take your lovely hands, and use them to lightly raise yourself up a bit, and rub your hands on your knees.

Feel this shit in the tip top part of your abs and repeat for 12-15 reps ;)

2. Plank crunches

Get in a plank position and basically hump down into the air, but make sure you're using your abs to bring your pelvis back down into the ground and then your beautiful ass into the air, almost pointed.

Do this 10 times, and then check to see if you have abs yet.

No? Well, fuck I guess we're gonna have to do more then.

3. Side crunches

For these you're gonna lie on your side, and stick your arm in the air, and raise your hips up towards the ceiling. Keep your torso and body straight the entire time.

Do 10 on each side and while you're doing it, think about how jealous your Ex is gonna be when he sees your fucking side abs.

4. Toe touches

Stick your beautiful feet and luscious legs high into the air, and then use your upper abs to reach up towards your toes and feel it burn the faster you go.

Do these 15-20 times and then lie down on the ground, feeling all your work burn in your CORE.

5. Butterflies

Okay, I'm just gonna say it: fuck this move.

It's really hard and you probably won't do it properly and might pull something, but oh honey the gains? Oh, honey.

Lay down like in the picture and raise your knees into your chest and use your abs to propel yourself up a bit, basically scrunching yourself into a ball.

Do this as many damn times as you can but don't exceed more than 15 because if you can successfully do that many, there's something wrong with you and I have no time for that.

Go get some water, you sweaty bitch, and make sure you have some good shit queued up because I'm gonna attempt to tell you how to do ARMS.

Now it's time for you to go grab the weights you stole from your dad's storage unit, and fucking get swoll. As we all know, the gay community is a dark place that is reliant on looks and thick standards of masculinity and in order to succeed within this rainbow palace, you have to Sandy-from- "Grease"-yourself and pick up a damn weight to properly get his attention.

If you don't have weights, then maybe wait till you feel more comfortable in your exercise routine and can go to a real gym that has real equipment, but I'm not that girl, (and probably never will be) so here is my attempt at giving advice on lifting weights.

Um, also I think it's important that I say I literally know nothing about what I'm doing, and everything I say should be taken sparingly and do your own damn research on what feels good for you.

But anyway:

1. Classic weight curl thing

Sit down on your desk chair and create a square with your arm, and with your other arm, curl that fucker up while keeping your bicep and arm stationary. Put weight on your "squared arm" if you have to.

Do 10-15 reps. Alternate. Check your muscles in the mirror.

2. Raise the roof

Sit with your feet squarely on the ground, evenly spaced apart, and raise up the dumbbells over your head in unison.

Ground yourself in your body, and be sure to extend your arm, but not to the point where it is entirely straight.

Do a total of 10 if you can, and then drop the weights on the ground loud enough that you rustle your downstairs neighbors.

3. Sidearm thing

Stand with your legs evenly spaced and raise your arms straight out, until they are in line with your shoulders and you are making a T-shape with your body.

Do this 10 times, I fucking dare you because it's really hard because we have (sing it with me) *no arm strength*

Okay do this routine twice in a row (I'M SORRY I don't know any real arm exercises and shouldn't have thought I know anything about fitness? Like, remember Wii Fit? That was my shit and now I'm here. So basically what I'm trying to say is one day you can too)

Okay, gays, it's about to get real up in here because we're gonna do some butt exercises now, because, well, you know why, henny ;)

1. Sorta degrading move that feels too much like you're a dog pissing on a hydrant??

Get on all fours you dirty (cultured) bitch.

Stick your damn leg out to the side…like you're a dog peeing on a hydrant, and then bring it back in y'all.

Repeat this 15-20 times on each leg or until you feel the fucking BURN.

2. Fucking kegel time

Lay down on your back with your knees raised and feet flat on the floor.

Look up at the ceiling while you envision your celebrity crush. For me, it's gotta be hands down the guy from this Vine, but for you, it's probably someone like Anne Hathaway.

And then you're gonna raise your hips up so you almost create a diagonal with your torso and hump the air a little bit henny.

Channel your inner Matthew McConaughey in "Magic Mike" and don't be afraid to feel yourself, and release your inner fucking monster.

Do 20 thrusts and then cross your right leg over your left for 20 reps and then you reverse it, and if you're a real freak, then do 20 more in the OG standard position.

3. SQUATS

I still can't do a proper squat but if you wanna be a power bottom, Brielle, then you gotta get some squats in.

Basically, think about sitting down into a chair if you were a proper lady from "Downton Abbey." Keep your back straight and use your butt, but keep your wits about you.

Add a weight to your arms and clutch it if you want an extra twist!

4. Thick clam move

Lay down on your side and lightly bend your knees like you're the little spoon and use your arm to prop yourself up like you're being painted like one of his French girls.

Then you're gonna raise up your leg, kinda like you're a clam opening its big clam mouth and then bring it back down. Open, and close. Open, and close.

Do this 15-20 times on each side.

5. Leg lift

Okay so like get on the ground again, laying on your back, and from there I'm gonna turn it over to this gal because she is more qualified than me and will not overdose you with toxic masculinity and bass drops.

So yeah check it out because I'm done with this and tbh exercise is a lot and I'm TIRED and wanna take a shower because I'm also sweaty now.

But, honestly, I hope you all achieve your dreams and maybe find someone on Youtube who you can stand to learn exercises from that's not me because I'm what? (sing it with me!) *unqualified*

And don't let anyone tell you that blasting music and dancing alone in your room is not a fucking exercise because they're against you and you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.