I have these days, when a block overcomes me. It's always at the worst of times, too. When I can't seem to put a clear, solid thought into my head for hours on something actually relevant or important but I have thousands of pointless blurbs that travel throughout my head and into my heart, even for just a split second.

Yes these blurbs are emotional, yes they can be harsh, or straight to the point. They come whenever I'm driving, watching TV, eating food, or even laying in bed aimlessly looking out a window. Little things throughout the day, that remind me of my personality, my uniqueness, and simply the way the gears turn as a human who is perfectly and wonderfully made. There is no rhyme or reason why these thoughts or feelings translate into words, but they're all I've got somedays.

As a writer, it would be a shame not to express them.

I once thought, “Why do people struggle so often, just trying to get their feelings across? Something as simple as talking, has become so difficult, why?” After what seems like hours I remembered it’s because while we are more socially interconnected, we are more emotionally disconnected. People used to meet up and talk, but now most conversations are run through text. First dates used to be long walks on the beach, picnics or just a long chat on your mother’s porch. Now it’s all about trying to be as exciting as you can be. While expectations have grown, everybody’s comfort zone has shrunk.
People chase this ever growing high, while being too scared to take one step towards something new.
Why do I think people find it so hard to express their feelings? Because while this world has so much more to offer than before, the fear of social rejection and disapproval has led to silence. What was once the carefree attitude and love of life, has become a game of popularity and social acceptance. The reason it’s so hard, is because a lot of people have forgotten how to live.

I hate it whenever this happens to me.

Because it’s a really sh*tty feeling to be upset about something AND wanting to say something, but you end up acting like it’s fine just because you don’t want to start conflict. You don’t want to bother the person or be annoying because this isn’t a one time thing and you’ve already said something about it, it’s something you consistently get upset about but it’s never resolved. So then you sit there and you think about whatever is bothering you and try to ignore it, and it gets to the point where it’s actually physically draining, and you know if you were to talk to the person about it, then you’d feel better, but you won’t. You won’t because you don’t want to be annoying, you won’t because you don’t want to be stupid because it’s really a stupid thing to be upset about, you won’t because you’ve already said something about it but it is still a consistent thing. History has shown that if you disregard a problem it will arise again until you decide to take the initiative and fix it. So take the initiative, fix the problem, figure out how you’re going to keep this from happening again.

I thought about this on one of my bad days and it just kinda stuck.

Self care isn’t always pretty, it’s not always candles and a bathtub full of roses, sometimes it’s forcing yourself to get out of bed and dragging yourself, sometimes it’s the pep talk you give to yourself or the quick cry in the corner. Sometimes it is convincing yourself to do all these things you should be doing but you have no will whatsoever, sometimes it’s cutting some ties no matter how precious they were, sometimes it’s the bitter medicine you need to give yourself.
Self care isn’t always pretty but it’s so worth it in the end.

I don't even want to talk about the day I figured this out.

You will fall in love with someone who’s cold and always seemingly pushing you away. When all is said and done, they will be forever known as the one person you couldn’t get to love you. Unfortunately, it will hurt and sting worse than the good ones, the ones that chopped up your meat for you and picked out an eyelash from your eye and were nice to your mother, because love often feels like a game we need to win.

Or the day I figured this out too late.

Please know that I am here for you in every single way you need me to be. I am your listening ear, your safe haven, the one you can count on when no one else is there for you. I am here for you and I will always be here be here, whenever you need, for whatever you need and wherever you need me to be. You are not alone in this and you never will be again because your happiness is my priority.

But I'll tell you about the good day.

The sky is really beautiful right now and I know that I am often sad about a lot of shit, but there are moments when I fall in love with the world and adore all the oxygen inside my lungs and I'm not scared anymore.

And the day when I finally figured it out.

Yeah, having a boyfriend is cool but so is singing to your favourite song in the shower and licking cake batter off of spoons and feeling the warm sand between your toes at the beach and buying your friends flowers on their birthdays.
Yeah, having a girlfriend is cool but so is acing that one test you studied so hard for and smiling at strangers and giving money to the homeless girl you see on your way to work every day and falling asleep to the sound of rain.
Yeah, being popular is cool but so is laughing with your brother until your stomach hurts and seeing your sister smile after you tell her she looks beautiful and hugging your parents once they get home at the end of the day.
Yeah, aiming to be loved by people is cool but don’t let it get in the way of life. Don’t forget to live.

And,

What else is there to say? You know how much I loved you.