“That’s just how men talk when they’re alone.”
Donald Trump has committed numerous gaffes in the 2016 election cycle. He has also made threats, rallied his support base around racism and fear of minority groups, and lied uncontrollably about his own statements for which there is video proof of the contrary. Recently, Trump has been under heavy scrutiny for his comments to Billy Bush on a 2005 recording of the two in an “Access Hollywood” bus.
“Men talk like that,” said former Mayor Rudy Giuliani on CNN’s State of the Union.
“They’re just words.”
Dismissing the Republican Presidential Nominee’s vulgar words—and equally disgusting excuses—is harmful to the future society we will live in and to the sexual rights of everyone in this country. I am a twenty-two year old male. I do not speak like that. My father does not speak like that. My grandfathers have certainly never spoken like that. Men do not speak like that. People who have no respect for other human beings, their rights, or their well being speak like that. Sexual predators speak like that. However, that does not even touch the invasive, pervasive degree of degradation, sexual harassment, and sexual assault that occurs in this country on a daily basis. The “Trump Tapes” have generated conversation about rape culture and what that means, sexism, and sexual assault in general.
I have worked in the customer service field for almost seven years, since I was sixteen. Stories of customers and employers who cross the line with this Trumpish mindset are suffocatingly plentiful. This is the problem that we, as a society, need to be focusing on as well as the larger arcing themes of rape culture. People who think like Donald Trump have created a culture in which many forms of sexual assault and harassment are acceptable. To them, it is how men talk. Trump Culture has permeated the American populous for a long time. Now, though, with the issues coming to an ugly head, we have a duty to dismantle these archaic ideas. This will be the first of a series of articles about real people who face sexual harassment and assault on a daily basis in the customer service industry. Customer service situations are a perfect storm in which sexual harassment and harassers fester: the recipient must take it, keep a smile, and continue to provide service to their harassers for fear of losing their jobs. It is an inescapable situation. If you do not believe that Trump’s comments are a problem, please take the time to read my pieces. The realities of his comments have manifested in the customer service industry for a long time. The recipients of these unwanted actions are people, not machines for your entertainment.
I met with a girl who wanted to share her story. She will be called Lisa. We sat on a misty street side atop cold, wet bricks. Lisa said that Donald Trump, the recordings of him, and the defense of him by men and women at large have turned her into a “ball of anxiety.”
"Even after years of working through it, this brings me right back. Everyone who defends Trump, defends the man who did that to me. Everyone dismissing his comments and actions is echoing the words that traumatized me long ago.”
Lisa’s story begins when she was eighteen. She interviewed for a personal assistant position, the man who interviewed her was fun, kind, and repeatedly referred to himself as a “family man.” She happily accepted the position. She held the position for a year before leaving. I did not take notes during our conversation; I wanted it to be as warm and comfortable as possible. Lisa is a human being first, always. I will take liberties with the quotes, but the story is accurate.
“He was exactly twenty years older than me: thirty eight.” Lisa said that his “family man” mask was quickly torn off. He was immediately flirtatious with customers and with Lisa. “His best friend stopped by with his eighteen year old daughter, he was friendly with her, but when they left the comments immediately became lewd. He couldn’t stop going on about how hot his friend’s daughter was.” Her discomfort began with comments like that. He continued to flirt with his customers and soon after, things got worse.
“He gradually began talking about more and more inappropriate things about himself, like sex stories that obviously I had no interest in hearing. We were sitting down and he told me in disgusting, graphic details all about an exhibitionist sexual experience he had with an ex girlfriend in a public area. I said nothing. I did not laugh. I was silent. He finished with a big grin on his face and told me it was my turn. I told him that I did not talk about things like that. I have never been one who is open about my sex life. It’s personal. He got angry. He stood up and leaned over the table and thumped his palms down, shaking it under my elbows. ‘You are such a prude! You’re eighteen. You’re an adult now. This is how adults talk and you are going to have to get used to it and if you cannot, then there is something seriously wrong with you!’ He berated me and continued to ask questions and told me that I could not leave until I told him something.” This is when Lisa crossed the line between feeling very uncomfortable and very unsafe. “I don’t believe that you don’t have any stories,” his voice grew louder and louder and the questions continued. “‘What’s your favorite sex position?’ he asked and finally I just said something. I don’t even remember what it was. I was just scared and I wanted this to be over so I gave in. He sat down again and said, ‘Good, now tell me why.’ Right then his phone rang and I leapt up and locked myself in the bathroom. I sat in there for a long time. I gave myself a pep talk, I’m lucky to have this job. People would kill for this job. I began to think that there really was something wrong with me. Maybe I am a prude. Do adults really talk about sex this much? Why can’t I do it? Am I going to lose my job?
“He continued to talk about sex all the time. And I was forced to accept that it was just the way he was, which is exactly what he later told me. It was the way he was, and he would not change. I was the problem. I was always nervous about going to work; I didn’t know what he would say. But, soon that became the least of my worries.
“I was sitting at the front desk, the computer we have was connected to our security cameras so that they could be monitored on the computer screen. The phone rang, and it was my boss, ‘Lisa, check out camera…’ whatever I don’t remember the camera number, but I pulled it up on the computer and on the monitor was his erect penis. I immediately clicked out of it.” Lisa locked herself in the bathroom again “for a long time.” When she finally came out, he laughed and asked, “so what do you think of that?”
“I said nothing. I just left.”
After the incident with the camera, Lisa’s boss’ advances became more physical. “He started out touching my shoulders more, and then would be rubbing them, and he’d try to touch my boobs.” When Lisa resisted and told him to stop his behavior, he would laugh at her. “He knew that I needed the job and took advantage of that and of me. He began to slap my butt and grab at me. He would pull me close to him by my pockets or belt loops. I kept resisting and telling him to stop but he just thought it was all a big joke. He laughed while he tried to undo my belt. One time, he snuck up behind me, pulled on my back belt loop, slid his hand down the back of my pants and grabbed my bare butt. I think I locked myself in the bathroom again after that.
“I was at the job for a whole year. I thought I needed it. I thought I was lucky. I went to work every day fearing what would happen; my stomach turned every time I went in the door, it made me physically sick. One of the many reasons that the recent tapes of Donald Trump in the news have haunted me is that my employer did grab my crotch and pull me close to him. Since this broke in the news, I have relived this part of my past Every.Single.Day. I have been a ball of anxiety. It makes me viscerally ill.
“I think what makes me more upset about all of this is the reactions. There are people on the news defending Donald Trump, ‘That’s how men talk… It’s just locker room talk.’ And that was exactly the sort of thing that was done to me. When it was happening, I confided in the two of the closest people to me: my best girl friend and my boyfriend.
“I told my boyfriend the same story I told you, but it was obviously a little more emotional as it was so while it was happening. The first thing he said to me was, ‘Well, what are you wearing to work? Are you flirting with him? You have to be doing something to make him think you want that.’ It was my fault.
“I told my best friend, who I no longer speak to, the same story, shaken even more after being accused of doing something initiate it. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘are you doing anything to make him think you like him?’ I assured her that I was not, but worse, her first reaction was accusatory as well. ‘That’s just the way men are and you have to learn to deal with it.’ That was it. I was broken.
“After enduring the abuse, mentally and physically, and then having my two closest supports blame me for provoking the abuse… I was messed up. I could not be around males, if any male was nice to me, my mind would race, ‘If he’s being nice then there’s a possibility he could be attracted to me, which means that I need to get away or he might do the same thing’. It’s not an irrational thought process, it’s what I was conditioned to think. ‘At least you weren’t raped.’ I felt so alone. After so as I hear men and women defending Donald Trump for bragging about the same exact things that were done to me, I nearly have panic attacks. Everyone who defends Trump defends the man that did this to me; they’re defending every sexual assaulter, abuser, and harasser.”
In addition to dismissing his comments, Donald Trump has publicly called his accusers liars and threatened them with lawsuits to the applause of his audience. It makes me sick to write that. I cannot believe this is the country I live in. He has made it perfectly clear to the world why abused people do not come forward. They are humiliated, held in contempt and disbelief, and made to relive their abuse. Donald Trump’s comments are not how men talk. Men do not brag about sexual assault. This is not about Bill Clinton. This is not about politics—it is about safety. In this country, we must demolish the asinine conventional wisdom that favors perpetrators. We must support the abused. The parallel between the Trump Tapes and Lisa's story is uncanny, eerie, and vomit inducing. This is the sort of culture that Donald Trump's comments create. They are not okay. They are not 'locker room talk,' whatever that is. They are not 'just the way men talk'. They are brags about sexual assault. They are being proud of violating women because one feels entitled to their body. Reject the attempt to make this a non-issue. Push excusers and point to the reality of his actions. They are not just words. They are actions, perpetrated they by Donald Trump, the man in this story, or anyone else who continues the cycle of abuse until it is stopped.
I firmly believe that Lisa’s story is not unique; men and women are abused in the workplace every day. We must stand against the abusers and be passionate about it. Lisa’s story is one of many that I will tell to illustrate how this Trump Culture mindset is pervasive in the world in ways that go unrecognized and excused.
I tell these stories to be a voice for those who have not been heard. I wish to be a voice for those who have not had a voice. I am the microphone for these people to tell their stories, and for their bravery, I am eternally grateful and awed.
