To the best friend that broke my heart,

Hi. It's been awhile since we last talked. I'm sorry for that, but I've been trying to find the right words to say to you without making you feel bad, because that's not what I want. I want to start off with something easy. This letter is obviously going to be all over the place, because as you learned the past 6 years, that's just how I am.

First of all, I have struggled. Struggled for what seems to be forever, to grow some balls, and actually get all of my thoughts straightened out in my head. The silence between us is scary, and almost awkward, and this sure isn't going to help me with that. Not long ago, speaking to you about my issues and all my drama was just another natural habit, but this time, it's not coming to me as a second nature. Hopefully someday I'll be able to build up the courage to talk to you again. But for now, this might just have to work.

Our lives were ordinary. We've grown up together the past 12 years, in the same small town, with the same people. Finally in middle school, we became best friends. I was looking for a new friend that I knew I could depend on for anything, and you were the one.

We were so much alike, yet so different. It was as if we were meant to be friends. Over the years, we became family, Watching the same shows, listening to the same music, and even sharing Netflix and Hulu. You practically started living with us, and even my grandma could remember you (nowadays, that's a big deal). Every minute we could get together, God knew we were.

Now that we were family, we obviously fought like sisters. But within 10 minutes, we forgot about it and moved on. If I struggled with anything, you were the shoulder to cry on, and you were ALWAYS there. Now, I on the other hand, am not so good at being supportive, but you know damn well I always tried my best. You were my other half, I had to keep you happy. It was my job. You were the only one that I knew would be able to get me to smile, even in my darkest times. Whether it was over a stupid boy in middle school that I cried about in my living room while listening to Maroon 5, or having a heart attack and feeling like I was constantly dying and you were in Oregon. You could always make me smile, and you always would.

I thought you were going to be my maid of honor at my wedding, and the favorite aunt to the twins I've always wanted. We would always joke about it. Running away to Mexico, becoming an FBI agent and a surgeon, and smuggling drugs across the border, while also being serial killers and hiding the bodies in a house that you designed for me, because that's what you love (designing houses of course, not killing people). I dedicated almost all of these past six years to you, and I could never regret it. We were destined to be more than friends, you were my other half, the one I was going to conquer the world with. That's what best friends are for, right?

I noticed us beginning to drift apart a couple months ago. Our attitudes towards each other were nasty, and we never really talked, just argued. We never had a fight to totally end our entire friendship, and I really hope we never do. It just kind of ended, and I know that the other kids in our school have been no help. I keep crying to my mom because my heart is completely broken and rotted without you, and I firmly believe this is worse than any heart attack a person could have.

Now as I sit here in my room with salty wet tears overflowing my face, I am not entirely sure how to address anything that I've been trying to say. I could go on and on and on about how my heart is completely shattered, but what's that gonna help with? Absolutely nothing. I could tell you about all of the nights that I have spent crying while cleaning my gosh dang room just so that I could eventually cry into my pillow in peace without Grandma disrupting me, or how I have successfully pushed all of my friends out of my life the past couple weeks because I feel as if I can't trust anyone. I could tell you about when I got so angry that I tried to go for a drive alone to cool off and ended up crying in the Danger Ranger with my head on my steering wheel, still in the driveway. But, I think the best way to sum it up is to tell you that no matter how badly I am hurt, I could never stop loving you. I mean seriously, you're said to be my person, how could I throw that away? In the matter of all off my feelings becoming so strong together, it's all just love. And, who knew a friendship breakup could hurt worse than anything else? We loved each other so much that even after my heart broke, I still love you. I am so hurt, angry, and heartbroken at the feeling of you being able to let go of such a strong bond. How could someone just abandon all those years of memories? Why was it decided that I was no longer what you needed? Were all the meaningful things said between us actually that meaningful? Or were they just said to be said? All those questions and my biggest one is still simply just "Why?" One day we were talking, and the next we didn't know what to say to each other.

I read online that you know you're in love when "the song makes sense", and I've noticed that the same goes for a heartbreak. All the sudden all the words in every break up song that I've heard makes perfect sense on everything going on in my head. It's a crazy concept that I'm not the only person going through these feelings. And it's ironic that you were once to person to heal all my pain, and in the end you became the one who showed me how unbearably painful a heartbreak is.

I've struggled for so long trying to let you go, I still haven't. It's taken me every ounce of strength I have to not text you the second that something happens, and sometimes I still do. It is still hard. But I can't help but wonder what goes through your head the second you see a notification with my name on it.

Okay so I have a couple things to say before I'm done, so I better get it off my chest.

First, I'm sure you're just as confused as I am, so I will explain myself. Over the past couple of months, I have had many people, the ones you now hang out with, come to me and ask what has happened between us. I answer with a "nothing" everytime, and they proceed to tell me things like "Oh well she talks sh!t on you all the time now, as if you got in a fight." and then go on to tell me what you've been saying. This is when my heart started to crack. I then kept getting dull responses from you on the phone, and I could tell that it's just not the same as it was. I've been told that you've been getting into things that someone definitely shouldn't be getting into, and I started to notice that I don't even know you anymore. The girl I once called my best friend, wasn't the girl I was seeing in school anymore.

Secondly, I want you to know that I'm okay. If your goal was to totally tear me apart and make me feel small, you did not succeed, I did for a day or two, but it helped me find who I am and helped me focus on myself a little more.

Third, I'm going to get mad for a second, but hear me out, please. I hope that you are proud of what you put me through. Whether it was intentional or not, or you knew it was happening or not, you hurt me. Because of you, I cannot fully trust anyone in a friendship.

Because of you, making friends has been super hard because I successfully closed my door and it's hard for me to open up to anyone. Sometimes it's even hard to trust my friends that I've known the longest - even my family. So I hope you're happy you hurt me, because no matter what we went through, I could never hurt you, even in my wildest dreams - not intentionally.

Next, I want to thank you. Thank you for all the jams we had while driving around, all the support you have given me over the past 6 years, and for all the laughs, cries, and injuries that you went through with me. Thank you for being the shoulder for me to cry on, and for being my second family. And through all of this, thank you for helping me trust myself, find my faith, and become closer with my family. I could never have done it without you.

Finally, I want to wish you well. I really hope for the best for you, and I hope you're doing well and that you're actually happy. I hope that you and the friends you choose, continue to make the best memories that we could never make. I hope you live a happy life, and you will never regret anything. I hope you find your faith in God again someday, and you warship it more than anything else in life. I hope you marry the boy of your dreams and you become whatever you want to be after high school.

Part of me will always love you. Over the years, no matter how much the pain fades, I am still going to think of you. I am still going to smile at the memories and then feel a pain in my heart. I will never forget you; we grew up together. And should you choose to come back to my life someday, I will always welcome you with open arms. My heart and my home will be open to you our entire lives, even though you closed yours to me.

This is it, I have finally said what I wanted and needed to and it is time for us to move on. Goodbye. Thank you for all the memories and for being my friend through what were some of the best years of my life. I love you.

- Your Ex-Bestie