September 03, 2016

To the girl whom I once considered my best friend,

How have you been? I hope everything has been fine with you lately.

It has been a long time since we have spoken. I have missed you a lot! Honestly, the thought of not having you around has killed me on the inside. It took me almost a year after we last talked to cry and fully grasp the notion that you are no longer in my life. I regret losing you during the time I needed you the most.

As you know, I am not that good with words, but I want to write this letter to tell you what has been running through my mind from the time we drifted apart. And maybe some thoughts that I had about you throughout our friendship.

Let me begin with my thoughts about you.

You are a beautiful and kind-hearted woman.

You were the most awesome person I had met. I counted myself lucky to have your friendship.

You are a survivor and you never give up on things you are up to!

You had been my anchor and a shoulder to cry on during those times that didn't know what to do and who to turn to.

You were the person that I thought of when I needed to smile.

You had been my trusted listening ears when I needed to let everything out!

I thought you were the America Singer to my Maxon Schreave, the Serena Marchesa to my Simon Vicente Ibarra, the Chloe Delaney to my Scott Marsh, the Gabriella Montez to my Troy Bolton, the Lea Olivar to my Clark Medina, the Maine Mendoza to my Alden Richards. Yeah, you have to forgive me for using those book, movie, and TV references, I might still be the cheesy guy you knew before!

I thought we both share the same Red String of Fate.

I want to apologize for the many, many, many things I have done to you before.

Sorry for lashing out the last time we exchanged messages. I know it was plain harsh and mean for me to say those things. I shouldn't have called you numb, heartless, and horrible. I shouldn't have called you out on my Social Media after we fought. I should never have said that. But as soon as the words came out, I knew I would always regret them. I just wanted you too badly and was selfish.

I screwed this up so badly. It's not anyone's fault but mine. I'm the one who messed up. I'm the one who pushed you away.

I am a billion times deeply sorry that I acted like a jerk! I was just swayed by my emotions!

Sorry for keeping a bunch of secrets from you. I honestly do not know how I could handle things if you have found them out. I was a wimp during those times.

I'm sorry for the times I put you through some awkward positions before.

I'm sorry that I had not considered your feelings on many occasions.

I am deeply sorry that I had not told you about the deep feelings I had for you before it became too late. I am sorry for being so confused about those feelings. I am sorry for keeping them for so long. I am sorry that I left home being unsure of them. I'm sorry. I don't know why I wouldn't admit it to myself before, why I didn't tell you when I was still there.

I wanted to say I'm sorry. I never really gave you the chance you needed to explain yourself before. Honestly, I never gave that to myself either. I fell for you hard and fast. I wanted you all the time, all to myself.

I am sorry for leaving you without saying goodbye properly. Sorry that I left you with many empty promises.

I want to say thank you for the things you have done for me.

Thanks for being my friend.

Thanks that you have stuck around as much as possible despite our distance.

Thanks for all the times you've listened to all the complains I had about everything.

Thank you very much for being once a part of my life.

While I am at it, I want to tell you what the almost 10 years of our friendship meant to me!

Where should I begin recounting?

Oh yes! The way that we met was nothing but ordinary. I knew only your name at first, but I know that you have known me because of my nature as a show-off!

When I have matched the name to the face, I immediately took a liking on you but have never paid much attention to that liking. Heck! I like lots of girls that time, we’re all just maturing then, maybe that’s why.

You knew that I was after another girl when we have met. That was the girl that caused me a lot of embarrassment. Remember that you even teased me once about liking her? I have no clue where you heard about the whole thing, but I was honest enough tell you that I was over her. That’s not very important.

Remember those times that we sat down near the school quad to just talk, laugh, and sometimes listen to some music? Those were some of the good times that I had with you.

Remember those instances that you have asked me to cover for you because you were just sitting alone for a long time and you wanted to walk around school? I did it because I wanted to be a reliable friend to you. I did it because I don’t want to put you in any kind of trouble just for that.

To be honest with you, I always like texting and hanging with people whom I consider as my close friends. But I love to talk to you most especially since you always have the brightest ideas. You somehow understand my humor, even the ones that are considered crossing the line. I think for most of the first four years that we were friends, we knew almost each other’s morning, afternoon, and evening activities on weekends and summer days. I always wanted to be the first one to send you a good morning text before you wake up and the last one to wish you goodnight before you go to bed.

Gosh! I can even recall that little war that we had to which I still have no clear idea about the reason behind it. I still can’t believe that a few of your close circle got involved in that! And they were even madder than you were. I admit that I can be irritating at times but I hated the silent treatment. I was never a fan of all that social media bitterness that few of your friends threw at me even if you already had forgiven me. But I let all those go since all those bitterness and anger no longer matter to me.

I remember that you have asked me a couple of times before if I like you. To which I deny about it. I have denied it because I thought I was not brave enough to say anything about liking you. I was afraid that you would somehow bail on me and look at me differently. When some of those acquainted to us notice about how I took a liking on you, I always plead to them to not make a big deal about because it wasn’t the time to talk about it! When I have later on asked them about the chances of us ending up together, they told me I have hope, that I have a chance with you if only I open my heart to the possibility of it.

I must recall that one picture that I took of the two of us during our field trip to Ocean Adventure. I am always amazed by how impressive that one photograph considering things available during that time. I consider the angle of that picture to be perfect since I only used film camera instead of a digital camera or a camera phone. That’s right, I said it, I think we “invented” taking selfies. I always treasure that picture of ours, ever since it was printed it has been on my study desk to remind me that I have high hopes in life. When I left for Louisiana I made sure that I brought that picture with me to cheer me up when I was down and to give me a reason to smile when it was the hardest. For the few that saw that picture of us, they just cant help but say that we look good together. I just can’t help but tell them that it was my hope that they are saying the truth.

In my honest opinion, I believe that we started to connect with each other even more during that summer before I left. It was my chance to start pouring my heart out. To make our friendship work for us whatever the circumstance are.

That summer too I know that I have told you to come to our ancestral home that just newly renovated that time since I should invite friends along anyway. I just wanted to introduce you to my crazy extended family who all basically live in the same village. Isn’t that a crazy idea, huh!

In the spirit of full disclosure I was the one that bought you that prepaid phone credit a week before you left for University of the Philippines. I knew that when I teased you about suddenly answering my text messages you were trying to guilt me into admitting that I was the one. We both know that you didn’t get the answer you wanted from me. The reason being that I never wanted you to repay me just for that, it was nothing compared to what you have done for me.

As the weeks were coming before I leave, you can never imagine how your words comforted me since I had told you many frustrations about leaving for Louisiana.

When I told you that I was surely leaving, we made some possible plans about the future. I can remember asking you to join me in touring the United States whenever we both have jobs. I remember that you told me that we should tour Europe too! Well, why not, as long as I am with you we should go wherever you wanted to go. I promised that there will be a time that we would sit down have a cup of coffee or a glass of sweet tea and we would reminisce the past, we would laugh and cry, we would examine where we both stand. I made a promise that we’re in these together! That was a promise that I wanted to hold on to, that was the promise I intend to keep. Wherever we are, wherever we go, and whatever we wanted to do in life that we would stay connected: we’re all in these together, remember?

When it was time for me to leave, I made sure that you were the last person that I would say goodbye to before I board the plane because you are that important to me. I don’t know why I didn’t find the heart to give you a call after I texted you. But I still invoked that promise that we’re gonna be all in these together.

When I settled in, I never failed to tell you about all the adjustments that I did. And you in turn tell me about all the craziness that was happening around you. Maybe that became our regular thing every week back then. During those times that I became frustrated about something I shouldn’t be upset about at all, you never failed to remind me that we’re all in these together.

I can remember that one short conversation that had the summer before I headed for LSUS. You asked me how I’ve been and I told I was okay. But you suddenly said that I don’t seem okay because you sensed it. I was glad to find out that we had a deep connection of some sort that you knew I was anxious about many things. Wow! That promise was that powerful!

I was grateful to you that you got me through my first day of college. Even though I bothered you at midnight, you still graciously gave me the best advice. To just enjoy the nerve wracking feeling of the first few weeks in college.

I have defended you before those who once insulted you all because of a misunderstanding. I was scared for you when I found out that you had to have your appendix removed. I worried about you whenever you tell me that you lack a lot of sleep doing things. I felt bad for you when experience pain, insecurities, rejection, and sadness.

I was totally proud of you when you graduated from UP! I was happy of what you had achieved and what you became.

I was always thrilled to see all the pictures of those adventures that you took with your family and friends. All those from Disneyland in Hong Kong, Thailand, Malaysia, Japan, Korea, and anywhere else. All those adventures that you’ve been inside the country whether it be on the mountains, exotic beaches, caves, adventure trails, festivals, or museums. You’ve been to places!

Maybe if we constantly reminded each other that we’re suppose to be all in these together we would have not started to drift apart. Maybe you would have understood me better when I felt I needed you the most if just remember to keep my promise to you.

I guess, I just wanted to say that I wish I could speak to you again. I want to clear every thing up that I have not cleared in this letter. I want to catch up with you. I want to explain myself to you. I want to restore and rebuild our friendship once again.

I hope that you are just doing well. I hope you are happy with the choices you have made. I am still hopeful that we would meet again. I am hopeful that we find our way to each other. I am hopeful I can hear from you sooner!

And I still have not forgotten, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR!

Sincerely still your friend,

ORLAND DANIEL.